Overlooked Series: Introduction

Overlooked…have you ever felt that way? You know, like when somebody didn’t notice something you did...like how you changed your hair, are dressed up to the nines or perhaps how much you do. Often we equate that to rejection. We feel rejected. We feel neglected. Worst of all, we feel forgotten.

When something you put effort into is not recognized, it can put you into a tailspin of doubt. You begin to question why the person or persons didn’t notice. You begin to wonder if what you did was not good enough. You begin to wonder if your abilities are good enough. The comparison game kicks in and you start to tally what you don’t have because you’re focused on someone else’s noticeable, good points. You come to the conclusion that you’ve fallen short. The cycle begins.

Women are often overlooked but those who were in authority over them growing up. They are overlooked by the busy father who didn’t take out time to do daddy/daughter dates and tell them that they’re beautiful.

Some didn’t see the right treatment of their mother because their father’s focus was more on making money. No matter how hard their mom tried, their father didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge the mom’s efforts or when she got dolled up for him. They young girl believes this to be the norm, so they bring it into adulthood only to find that the sting of being overlooked hurt more than they anticipated or thought they were accustomed to.

As a young child enters into her pre-teens and teens, there is a need of validations and affirmations from her main, male figures. She begins to notice that there is a pattern of being overlooked by teachers, peers called friends and even siblings. At times, she wasn’t picked to go certain places, play certain games or participate in certain events. She was left out, either intentionally or because nobody noticed she wanted to be part of the group. No one knew that she wanted so badly to fit in but she felt the deep ripple effects of it. Inside she believed that she did not add value and with that, she began to create a barrier, a mechanism that would protect her from feeling rejected…all because she was overlooked.

Unbeknownst to her main, adult-authorities, a chasm began to form in the innermost part of her being. Her soul began to disengage but the hunger to connect and be significant began to grow. Thus the need for outside validation began to grow. Her value began to chip away as the cycle and pattern continued to intensify through boyfriends and bad break ups. (Sometimes I wonder why we call it bad break ups. I’ve never seen a good one.) The boyfriend didn’t notice how pretty she looked after she spent so much time doing her hair or make up. He didn’t notice what she wore unless it was low cut or short. A new unhealthy correlation begins to emerge. She begins to equate attention with how she dresses. Although at first it annoys her, the attention she gets is intoxicating because she never received it from her authoritative male figure during her childhood years. And so the cycle continues to increase, chasm begins to deepen and her sense of value begins to erode.

There are three areas in a woman’s life where the absence of validation and affirmation causes a domino effect. These three areas are emotional, social and spiritual. You may wonder why I didn’t mention the physical. The physical usually displays the scars that are visible to her and others. They show up in depression, weight gain, promiscuity, self-loathing…the list is long. The inner scars are invisible to the outside and often not recognized by the overlooked woman. She believes she is living the norm, when in reality her actions, her lifestyle, what she expects and gives are being driven by the unseen to others, as well as to herself.

For the next few weeks, I will be unpacking this via my blog posts. I hope you join me in this journey of reversing the cycle of bondage that being overlooked may have created in your life. It’s time to be free. 

Your Heart Motivation

What is the motivation of your heart, at this moment…right now? You know, the deep emotions that help you make choices.

A woman’s emotions are the driving factor for many of her decisions. Unlike our male counterpart, many of us have not mastered the logical side of decision making. I have to say, it is one of the many things we do become aware of, and we adapt to as we get older. That’s the good news! But, what should be done in the meantime?

1. Pray. Run everything by God. He will reel you in when the tears and the raging hormones 

    want to throw you into a fit of panic or sheer witchiness. (By the way, neither are Godly.)

     

      2. Bounce your emotions against a girlfriend that is more balanced than you, and will tell you the 

          truth. (You don’t need a “Yes girl, I know what you’re going through” gal, at this moment.)

     3.  Ask yourself, is what I’m experiencing and feeling right now, influence me to make the right 

          decision without regrets in the future?

What does all of this have to do with the motivation of your heart? Everything.

A woman, who is cynical, will look at life through the eyes of sarcasm. Her mannerism and responses will always be like a hot, scalding iron.

A woman, who is a people pleaser, will look at life as the constant obligation to say yes and be liked. Her life is filled with insecurity, and she is the shadow of her real self.

A woman, who has been or is being abused, will look at life with fear and will ensure that she protects herself in ways that keep her imprisoned. Her life is filled with excuses and blame.

A woman, who lacks confidence, will look at life as an impossible journey filled with pitfalls and distractions. Her life is lived with caution and dismay. Unfortunately, life continues to pass her by.

Perhaps, you do not relate to any of these women, but I bet you are guilty of having the wrong motivation at one time or another. You have said something you really did not mean. You made a decision that was wrong, because your heart motivation lead you down the wrong path. You lied to someone, or screamed at them, or did something to hurt them, because the thought of getting even was alluringly sweet at the moment.

The motivation of the heart, your heart, has a tendency of being your guide. The bible says that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Therefore, given that fact, the motivation of your heart also causes you to speak words that may hurt you and others, as well as bless yourself and others.

There are times that a heart inventory is in order, but it cannot be done unless the inventory includes the motivation of each of your thoughts and actions behind it. What is the motivation of your heart this moment? What are you contemplating or dwelling on?

Perhaps it’s time for you to take inventory and pray.

It’s in those quiet moments, when we ask God to keep us holy, that we find where our true motivations lie.

Got Natas?

Spanish coffee lovers usually do not tolerate natas. Our coffees are not lattes. They resemble an espresso but have a distinct flavor, aroma and taste. The boiled (not steamed) milk is a big contributor. If you serve coffee with natas, most Hispanics will get disgruntled and if they happen to be family members, they will immediately return their cup and ask for another.

Nata is the thick film that floats to the top after you have boiled milk. If you’re like me, you find it to be nasty and remove it quickly before you pour the milk into your coffee.

As I boiled milk this morning for my coffee, I thought about all of the natas that God wants us to scoop out of our lives.

Natas - the junk that floats up during a hot situation.

Natas - the stuff we don’t recognize, don’t want to look at, don’t care to admit, hide, dress up, are proud of, get fueled by, use as a protection, use as an excuse, believe, accept and live with.

So what are some of life’s natas?

•  The pin of hate that is worn as a badge of honor.
• Angry thoughts and/or feelings that linger forever and have no expiration date.
• Being sensitive towards certain things when we should’ve gotten over it already.
• Carrying the torch for someone who has left ions ago and was not worth it.
• The green shade of jealousy that has taken hold of our wardrobe.
• The common ache from the disease called Comparison Syndrome.
• The Ghost of Insecurity that hangs around like a faithful companion.
• The common middle name….Procrastination.
• When no choice has become our excuse.
• When we still hear the computer sound wave – “unworthy, unworthy” as we look in the mirror.
• The lost of control that shows in our gut and hips.
• Keeping friends who influence us negatively.
• Beating ourselves up when God doesn’t know what we’re talking about.
• When being critical has made us age.
• Being an attention junkie and unable to kick the habit.
• When we live to please and please and please.
• When control freaks bow down and worship us.
• Respect is only displayed when coerced.
• Self-esteem needs to be scraped off of our shoes from time to time.
• Love is only about what we get.
• No is not part of our vocabulary.
• The fear of … (fill in the blank).

Now there are those who don’t mind the natas. Some will push it to the side. Others will actually drink it. So what happens when we do that with life’s natas? When we push something to the side, it never gets corrected. When we drink it, have accepted it as part of our lives, it never gets addressed.

Junk that float up the top is an indicator that there is something harmful that is holding us back. We have the option to push it to the side, continue to drink or scoop it out completely. There’s always a choice when it comes to the quality of our lives.

It takes courage to continuously change and want change. I hope that each time you look at your coffee, you’re reminded of the pleasantries of life and how removing the natas can make your cup that much better.

Oh hail to coffee without natas and life without the same!

Get Dressed...Feel Pretty!

Some friends and I talked about how important it is for a woman to dress up. It makes her feel pretty. It's not about vanity.

It is easy to become careless with self as a person gets older. One of the things my mother drilled into us is that you need to dress appropriately and for the occasion. Although we don't follow it to the T, my siblings and I still take great care how we represent our family and that includes how we dress.

We know that our mom would be embarrassed if we looked constantly sloppy or walked into church or dinner disheveled. A lot of our friends look at us and say, you haven't aged. We actually have, of course, but we take good care of how we look. Again, it has nothing to do with vanity. It is loving oneself enough to invest the time.

We not only represent our family but we also understand that we are the reflection of God and represent His family. We understood that when we dressed up for a Sunday service, we honored God. I guess that impression stayed with all of us and we took it beyond church.

Do we wear jeans, sweats and forgo makeup. Heck yea! However dress up is not limited to clothes. It is smelling nice or pretty, making sure your hair is cared for, not being afraid to try new colors, throwing on some polish, shaving! You know the basic care to remain attractive for your significant other. That stuff is important but you see people let themselves go, and they don't realize that the lack of care impacts their self-esteem because eventually they don't feel good about themselves. It tells their partner, I don't think you're important enough to keep the attraction, and it tells God, I don't care to be a reflection of your family or a reflection of you for that matter.

Get Dressed today. Have fun and feel pretty or handsome. Each Sunday we take a selfie in church during service with the person we sit with. So if you dress up today after reading this, go ahead and take a selfie and represent proudly.

(Inspired by my book - Get Dressed! Life has stripped you...NOW WHAT?)

Beautiful

Beautiful. The word that is used to express how attractive something or someone is. It’s a word that often brings a smile to the lips of a woman. At times she can be taken aback or be dismissive, depending on the seriousness, the moment, the feelings that are enveloping her.

Beautiful describes the heart of many women who are selfless and give without expectation. Beautiful are those women who day after day, care for those they love. Beautiful are those women who teach each and every day through their actions and not just with their words. Yes beautiful.

Each day we are graced with beautiful women who allure those around her not by their physical nature but by the gentleness of their spirit and the enticement of their kind heart.

Beautiful is such a thrown-around word in society and equates to the curvaceous model that strides the runways. Perhaps that’s why our women no longer believe that phrase when addressed to them. The competition with gorgeous models makes one shrink when the natural inclination of an ordinary women’s mind goes automatically into comparison mode.

Beautiful is a word that lifts the spirit and elates the heart of the receiver.  It's the affirmation that every little girl, every young woman, every single woman regardless of age should receive throughout her lifetime. And yet, even when said, why does she still cringe and compare even when she knows logically that she shouldn’t?

Why not relish it, revel in it and accept it? Why not? What will she lose? What will you lose?  

Be beautiful. You are beautiful. Accept the compliment and pay it forward.  

Are You a Paulette

Jane Doe
How many women do you know, who do not recognize their value, who downplay their worth and who lower their expectations? Women, who accept poor treatment, settle for less, and do not voice their heart, their wants or needs? Women, who have become the Jane Does’ of this world? For those of you who are not familiar with the term, Jane Doe is a female that has no identity; alive or dead. Basically, she is an unknown. No one knows her name, where she is from, where she belongs, or how she got to her present location.

Jane Doe, however, can also be one of us. In our version, she is the woman that likes to blend in and her goal is to become invisible. She likes to disappear in the crowd and loves that she is not noticed. What confounds our Jane’s identity, is that this same woman can also be selfless, dedicated, is full of love and even knows what it means to serve. Unfortunately, her abilities remain a secret because she works from the safety of her confines, as she gladly and purposely mixes into the culture of home, school, work, church and/or community.

Yes, Jane Doe is the gal who loves her comfort zone. Her routine provides security and contentment in her autopilot life of go with the flow. Sounds marvelous and perhaps for many it is. However, we were not placed on this earth to be a marvelous Jane. We are here to be a Paulette.

Are you a Paulette?
We often wonder why the girls in our society have self-esteem and confidence issues, but we fail to see how we have contributed to the problem. We’d rather be a Jane and let celebrities be role models. We’d rather be a Jane and let magazines fill their minds with information that challenges their ego. We even choose to be a Jane and let technology provide knowledge without the wisdom of experience.

By now you must wonder what it means to be a Paulette. Well, back in the day, the apostle Paul had the audacity to tell folks to imitate him. He was able to do that because he knew who he was and had a solid, belief-system. He was completely sold-out and passionate about the way he lived. He obviously had a particularly high confidence level to be able to make that type of statement. One can even go as far to say that he was cocky. However, the truth is that he understood the importance of mentorship, and the responsibility to be a role model to others.

Today’s Paulette

We are in a day and age where our girls need more ladies to step up and become a Paulette. They need confident women to rise up and live by example. They need to see what it means to walk and act in an assured manner. Their inner circles need to be enriched with women whose strengths are seen in their home, work, church and or community, as well as behind the scenes. They need to be surrounded by women who are movers and shakers that make things happen.

It is time that we take on the responsibility to mentor our present and younger generation into greatness. We owe it to all the gals who crave for “real” female, role models. Being a role model doesn’t require that you be ever present, however, the acceptance of that role should make you aware that your actions should speak loudly from now on. You become conscious that your standards are now higher because you want to be emulated. You understand that the power of your spoken words can provide guidance and has the potential to become a springboard for other’s futures.


Photography by April Dawn Winsley http://aprildawnwinsley.com

When we undermine our value, and downplay what we have to offer, we become and produce a Jane. Are you a goldmine of experience and wisdom but have taken on the last name of Doe? If this is you, know that the hearts of many silently wait for you to come of out of your unknown.

Don’t be afraid. Be a Paulette and let your life shout out, “imitate me,” and let’s show our girls our combined strengths and how great life can really be.

Falling Into Contentment

When I think of the word contentment or the act of being content, what comes to mind is that of a freshly changed and fed baby. They are either cooing or are fast asleep, often with a peaceful smile. As we get older that sense of happy tranquility begins to be replaced with restlessness, lack of fulfillment, and the uncomfortable feeling of always wanting more; never satisfied. Have you ever wondered why? Perhaps you already know the answers to that question.

Do we really know what contentment is? Often times we equate it to having stuff. If I have a bigger house, a better job, a nicer spouse, a kid or two, then I may be a bit more satisfied with life. Perhaps we still struggle with seeing ourselves as inferior because we’re hung up in the comparison game. We start to focus on our flaws because we center our attention on this person’s educational background or work experience and fall short. Maybe we’ve become a bit green with our friend who has the perfect husband who dotes on her, and is at her beck and call. Have you ever stepped back and observed these people? Are they really happy?

How do you view yourself?
The reality of living is that happiness is not based on stuff. The source of happiness is in combining the right balance of the perception of you, not to others, but to yourself. You cannot have the right picture of who you are if you don’t understand how God views you. The value of you cannot be reinforced in your mind if you do not understand the price of salvation. The awareness of always living in expectation can never be heightened if you do not understand the principle of being able to do all things. To put it in the simplest terms, You are who God says you are. Once you embrace that right mind-set, contentment becomes a product or the effect, as in ripple.

Ever wondered how certain people seem to be happy or satisfied with their lives even when faced with adversities that would knock most of us off of our feet? It is not because they’re lucky or have been graced by the stars. It is because they made a choice of stepping into right-thinking. Now some of you may say I don’t need God to think I’m a wonderful person. You may measure yourself by your successes. What if all the success you’ve achieved and your present status was removed or taken away from you? What if you’ve become a yesterday and the things that you did were no longer recognized because someone else surpassed your accomplishments? Where in the contentment-pole would you be?

Are you satisfied?
Contentment is a state of being. It is a place inside of you, where no matter what circumstance you’re in, you choose to be satisfied. Being satisfied is actually feeling pleasure from gratification. It means having a thankful heart, no matter what you have or don’t have. It does not provide the excuse or the permission for anyone to stay within their present circumstance or not want to better themselves. It does, however, push a person to look at what they have and be grateful for all they’ve achieved and obtained.

When was the last time you looked around and began to count the blessings that you have? Okay so your husband is not so and so, and he is not perfect, but who is? Instead of focusing on all the bad, have you looked at the good and voiced it? How many times do we say our teenagers are driving us crazy or are a pain, some times at ear range? When was the last time you told them they were wonderful or I love you? Look around you. How much stuff have you accumulated? Maybe it’s not in the greatest condition, but have you ever stopped to think of those who do not even have a floor and are lucky to have a roof?

Where are you dwelling?
It’s not a bad thing to want more or to want to exceed in any area of life. However, more and more you’ll find that when the focus is just that, when we are driven because we constantly compare, and are not grateful or satisfied with what we have, we rob ourselves of living. We miss out on the joy of dwelling in our blessings. Unfortunately, at times, it takes the kids growing up, tragedy knocking at our door, or illness overtaking us or those we love, for us to have an aha moment. What is life really all about? It’s about living it to the fullest, in all aspects, and enjoying it; inside and out.

Most of us kind of fall into contentment during life’s journey. We stumble into that state of being and catch ourselves asking how we got there. We finally realize that it’s not about the stuff, but it’s about being thankful for all the things we have, the people we love, and most importantly who we are in the mix. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to create the perfect life and environment, and forget we’re in an imperfect world.

The Choice
Contentment is the result of choice. It is the end product of right-thinking, a grateful heart, understanding the value of you, and living in expectation for the better. These are biblical principles and guidelines for healthy living. Falling into contentment is a good thing, but walking into it now, sooner than later, is so much better.

Stop Wearing the V

Wouldn’t you agree that we are who we are because of things that have happened in our lives? As uncomfortable as some situations may have been, they helped define us. Each of us experience defining moments. Most times when we refer to that term, it is in the positive. However, we all know that negative moments can also define us; not the actual circumstance but the perspective we chose to grasp, accept and incorporate into our lives.

The perspective or viewpoint of any situation is what makes or breaks you. The incredible thing about perspective is that it changes with time. It’s normal to have a negative perspective when going through an uncomfortable situation, but once it passes, perspective has a way of introducing choice. We can choose to dwell in the negative or choose to emerge in the positive. This choice does not negate at any time that a wrong was done or that a bad has happened. It does, however, acknowledges it and provides a means to launch growth.

There are so many stories of women who’ve been abused, raped or have experienced unimaginable loss and yet have become pillars within their circles. Some have even extended their influence out into their community, nationally or globally. What makes these women so different? In their process to heal, they chose to understand what happened, acknowledged it and then chose to incorporate it into their lives as a launching pad to grow in a positive manner in certain areas. In doing so, they discovered that they needed to share their triumph. They stopped wearing the V.

What is wearing the V?It’s that big red letter we all carry from time to time around our neck. It provides solace and reason for our pain. It justifies the excuse for negative behavior and poor living. We are not talking about women who have gone through recent suffering, but those who continue to exist in despair. Wearing the V is when we choose to live as a victim. We continue to suffer our past in the present (IE: Being stagnant because you’re hung up on an ex and what was.); or continue to live a certain way because of poor choices (IE: Not knowing your worth and settling).

So here is how it usually goes. We dwell on what we don’t have because either it was taken from us or we made a stupid mistake. And, we stay where we are because we hate ourselves because we dwell on what’s been done to us or what we let happen. Hence, we become a victim of circumstance; be it past or present.

It’s amazing how we trick ourselves to think that there is no choice. Reality is that when we don’t choose, we’ve made a choice. We’ve chosen to do nothing and to stay in our misery. It’s easy to do that. It requires no change, especially if that change is painful. Some would argue that certain changes can’t be done at this moment…then the question is what is the plan when the opportune moment arrives? Do you have a plan? To plan is a choice.

Why is it so important to admit when we’re wearing the V way past its time?
The title associates the person with something that has happened. It gives someone the reference point to help a wounded person during a specific allotted time. However, it should never define who you are, and it should not define the life you should live. When you continue to wear the V, it causes you to become stagnate and robs your destiny from you. It causes you to blame others for the outcome of your life, and although another person may be the blame and source of your pain, they should not dictate the quality of your life.

When someone who has hurt you continues to torture you, whether present or absent, you are still their victim. When something that has happened continues to tear at your heart and mind, you are still a slave to that circumstance.

How do you make the choice to stop wearing the V?

Acknowledge it. Don’t continue to ignore it. Hurts that are ignored don’t go away. They just fester over the years and eventually resurface nastier than before. To dwell in your hurt doesn’t necessarily mean you understand the depth of it.

Forgive. Forgive whomever and then forgive yourself. Forgiveness frees you from the grasp of another. It takes away the key from your prison and from the person who has hurt or wronged you. Forgiveness of self frees you. It reminds you that you’re human and let’s face it, we all make mistakes; no exceptions. Even in the case where we did not make a mistake, it allows us to stop second-guessing or blaming ourselves for circumstances that were out of our control.

Find help. Some things we can’t get past by ourselves. Find a friend, pastor or counselor, depending on the situation that you’ve gone through.

Set a plan. A plan will help you make the right choices. Start with simple plans and work your way up until you make all the changes that will benefit you in the design to make a better you.

Here’s a Roz’ quote to take with you.

“When your mindset changes and you no longer see what happened or where you’re at as ‘who’ you are…it opens the door of opportunity to define what YOU can and will be. Don’t stop! Walk through it.”

The Negative Monkey

It was a hot summer day at Coney Island beach. My cousins and I had split up to look for William, known as the adventurous wanderer of our clan. The sand was hot under our feet and our throats were hoarse from yelling. We continued on our search, when all of the sudden, I felt a hand grab my leg. It wasn’t an ordinary hand; it felt rubbery. When I looked down, I began to scream and shake my leg to try to pry off the furry body that decided to wrap its arms around me. I had my first encounter with a monkey – up close!

Apparently someone decided to take their chimp to the beach that day. Needless to say, he became friendly with me and there was no convincing him to let go. Just like my cousin, the monkey decided to explore the beach on his own. My screams and I’m sure the hysterical show that both monkey and I must have given, attracted a lot of attention. The owner finally heard the story about the screaming girl (which traveled down the beach rather quickly) and came to my rescue. I can’t remember if my cousin William showed up at the same time the owner did, but I do recall being the brunt of my cousins’ jokes for weeks on end.

Isn’t it incredible how memories can be so vivid, and although forgotten for a while, can become so relevant in our lives when we do remember them? What an awful feeling it was when that monkey hung on to my leg…and what a relief it was when the owner finally pried him off.

Often times we feel the same way when we let go of people that hinder us. But what happens when that person is you? Obviously, we can’t dismiss ourselves and so the challenge becomes how to modify our behavior, especially our thoughts.

Our thoughts define who we are and what we become.

We talk to ourselves more than anyone else in our lifetime. From the moment we open our eyes, till the moment we place our head on a pillow, our self talk is non-stop. We have the power to create a wonderful day or ruin it, via our thoughts. It’s no secret that good thoughts just like bad ones become habits. If you don’t believe it, take a look around you and listen to how people speak for a few days. A happy and successful person focuses on the good in all situations and speaks positively. A cranky, defeated and unfulfilled person focuses on the bad and speaks negatively. If we were to compare the positive and negative person, which of the two would you say had a visit with the negative monkey? I bet you’d be inclined to say the negative person but in reality both were visited. The difference is that one decided not to listen and the other took the monkey to heart.

What is the negative monkey?

It’s the pessimistic voice that pops up inside of your head. It’s the voice that whispers in your ear that you are worthless, you’ll never amount to anything and let’s face it – you’re just a woman. It reminds, in a cynical way, that you are the fragile one, too emotional to be consistent - rejected as the weaker sex. Yes, we’ve been told, we’ve listened and we’ve believe. We even speak the same negative nonsense into our own lives.

The negative monkey is a universal demon that tries to invade our space, and his goal is to steal away our inner joy and appreciation of self. It causes us to focus on what we lack and encourages us to do nothing about it. It gladly pulls in the past and plays it before us like a sitcom rerun. Over time, it can take hold of our minds, if we let it.

So how do we rid ourselves of this destructive chimp?
We scream, jump up and down and wait for the owner to come and pry it off! Actually that is not far from the truth. Let me explain with the following steps.

Scream. It will get your attention. It will push you to be stern within yourself, especially when it’s time to stop anything destructive in your life.

Jump up and down. Sometimes we need to take drastic measures to shake up our lives with radical changes.

Pry it off. When we take responsibility for what we’ve allowed into our lives, we become the owner. Ownership gives us the power to pry free from anything.

We all have the ability to change. We just need the courage to acknowledge we can change and follow through.

Stop listening to the negative monkey and be kind to yourself. Focus on the good and take the time to discover or unearth the positive inside of you. Start to believe in yourself.

Don’t stop there. Pay attention to what God says about you. If you’re unsure, go take a look in the Bible. You’ll discover throughout that God constantly validates you, believes in you and expects the best for you and from you.

Finally, make it a point to counteract the negative with a positive each and every time. Rid yourself of the outside and inside negative influences and become the woman you are destined to be.