The Lowes Date

Many women I know want or expect their dates with their husband to be a candle-lit dinner at a restaurant with small, round, white-clothed tables, soft music playing in the background and dimmed lights.

Although that's an ideal Hollywood picture setting, it's unrealistic for everyday dates. This is the hang up of quite a few women. If it's not all out, it's not a real, romantic date.

What I've learned over the years is that a date is a "mindset" and not just the "place". When you shift the mindset to what a date is, it actually nurtures the relationship.

What is the correct mind shift?

Each time my husband asked me to go somewhere with him without the kids, he was actually saying, I want to spend time with you. Here is where even I didn't get it in the past.

When Rich used to ask me to go to Lowe's, the first things that ran through my mind was...

1. Lowe's! Why would I want to go to a home improvement place?!

2. Of all places to ask me to, why a home improvement place?

3. Fun...this is what he considers fun?

4. You would think he would take me to a movie or dinner or something.

5. Grumble, Grumble, Grumble

Sounds familiar?

Togetherness

Okay here's what I've learned. When you first began to date, you were accommodating and flexible and went anywhere with that darling man because you just wanted to spend time with him. It didn't matter that you didn't like the place or activity, what was important to you was that you were together.

Women grow out of that mindset, for some insane reason (after marriage and especially after children).

Romance doesn't define togetherness. Togetherness is what ushers in romance. Doing things together is what deepens the relationship. So when you shift the focus to what he really wants (spending time with you), your attitude changes in the home improvement store.

When you're attitude improves (at the home improvement store), you begin to hear what he likes, dislikes, wants to buy and are pleasantly surprised that he is interested in your opinions. He may even start to ask you what you would like fixed or updated in the house! You get your wish list done without nagging, you are a happy woman, you want to love on him (don't forget sex is part of that too), he is thrilled with the loving and will invite you out to more diverse places, including that Hollywood-setting restaurant.

Ladies men are not complicated. If your husband asks, say yes. Do the Lowe's date, and do it happily. 

What Does He Bring to the Table?

“What does he bring to the table” It's the question I ask each time a one of my girls have come to me about someone she's interested in. As I go through my mental, mile-long list of things, there was one item that continued to float up to the top because the answer gauged the outcome of all the rest.

Let me share what would be my first on the list…

Does he love God? 

This is a simple but powerful question.

The answer to this question will determine the quality of her future (serious) relationship. Some may argue otherwise, but look around. The amount of people who remain happily married have decreased dramatically over the years. Let’s be honest, love has been warped by our society, especially by the entertainment world.

For the young, it’s that butterfly in the stomach feeling and the ‘he took my breath away’ moment. It’s when the heart pounds loudly in the chest and swells up with so much emotion, you feel like you’re going to explode. For those of us who are seasoned, it’s staying together when there’s no money; when illness has overwhelmed or shaken the foundation or the core of us; when the dynamic of children have pushed the relationship into estrangement. And yet love has somehow morphed through all the adversity and is apparent by actions, not just feelings.

So how do we get that kid/young adult in our life to understand and adapt to the challenges posed in the ever-changing, relationship-environment that occurs year after year? Well here’s the answer.

The ‘Does He Love God’, Age-Old Theory

Boy has relationship with God because….

Boy responded to God’s love, then…

Boy grows to love God, and…

Boy understands God’s love so…

Boy craves to be more like God, then…

Boy lives to reflect God’s love, and wala…

Boy loves the way God has commanded.

Note the last bullet. You’re probably thinking that this theory looks good on paper but it’s not realistic. Okay let’s define realistic of what we would want for our kid’s potential mate.

We want their mate to:

1. Hang in there during the good, the bad and the ugly.
2. Show kindness to our daughter and their children at all times.
3. Not be jealous if our daughter is more successful than they are.
4. Never to think that they’re better than our daughters or treat them that way.
5. Be polite and act as a gentleman.
6. Support our daughter’s and keep them as top priority in their lives.
7. Not have an overactive temper and harm our daughters in any way.
8. Remain faithful and keep family first.
9. Not to be afraid to tell our daughter’s the truth or afraid to hear the truth from our daughter.
10. Understand the importance of being a husband and a dad.
11. Make our daughter happy as much as he can.
12. And it wouldn’t hurt if he memorized the love chapter in the bible where only subsets of the items in it were listed above.

Now, these are only a few things that we expect, but the expectation of God’s standards goes much higher and the list is a lot longer. When God commands a man to love like Christ, He’s basically saying to him, you are to serve her. Before you start to roar and strut like the lioness queen, let’s elaborate a little on what that means.

A man who loves God’s way treats his woman like a queen (love in action). His actions cultivate an environment where his queen will admire him. We’re not saying she is overly doting or being sickly-sweet to him. We are saying that his queen is proud to be partnered with him because of the amazing-qualities he continues to grow, thus, impacting her in a positive way.

And by the way, a man that feels admired will do the world for a woman because he feels appreciated.

Don’t you want that for your daughter? I know I do. Heck, don’t you want that for yourself?

Perhaps you’re passed the looking stage, have too much damage and have a tough time believing that this can ever be a reality. You wish it deeply for your girl but can’t believe it is for you. Can I share with you the next question I would ask my daughter? It would be the same one I would ask you.

Do you love God?

I mean…do you really love God. Like fallen in love, I can’t get enough of you kind of love? What was your initial reaction? Were you uncomfortable, unsure or annoyed? If this was you, I invite you to take the following challenge. Every time you look in the mirror for the next 30 days say the words “God loves me”.

What will that do? It will help you embrace that God loves you regardless. Yes regardless. He loves you when you’re cranky, when you’re good or bad, whether you feel you deserve it or not. He loves you regardless of how you look, how you’re built and even when you’re having a bad hair day. He loves you just the same.

Now, doesn’t He sound somewhat like the boy we would want for our daughter?

It’s not a man that makes the man. It’s God’s love within the man that defines him and provides a love that grows deeper in every aspect of his life.

I look forward to the great guys that God has chosen for my daughters. No, I don’t know them yet, but my expectation is that they’ll both meet the first thing on my list.

Author’s Note:

Are you still wondering how the exercise will help you fall in love with God?

When you speak those words out loud, they sink into your heart and they begin to build your value as a woman; as a person. Deep down we all know that God loves us but most of us, if not all, feel unworthy because of things we’ve done or have been labeled to believe. If you’ve tried everything else and it hasn’t worked, why not try something new? What do you have to lose?

The Value of a Man

There are so many articles, books, and magazines that have taken male bashing to an all-time level of normality, and have redefined “the who” a man supposedly is based on today’s terms. Our girls are growing up reading that in general, men are not to be depended on or respected as a valuable counterpart. If anything, a woman is encouraged to take care of herself and protect herself from being subjected by the man. It is drilled into a woman’s head from a very early age that a man will never see her as equal in any area of life. Although this may hold true or may describe some men, it does not define all.

Drawing the Line
Where do we draw the line? Did we ever stop to think that in knocking men we are actually reinforcing negative behavior in our upcoming generation? In comparison to the negative input from all mediums, how many times have we’ve uplifted the male side from a woman’s point of view?

It is wrong for any of us to think that for every bad guy that’s present in our world today, there are no good ones. Yet we concentrate on only the bad and at a bare minimum the good. We label men as being all the same, yet get irritated when we are also branded in that “same” category. Reality is none of us are the same, and all of us are unique. We all have the ability of contributing positive towards either gender. The problem we’re running into is that we have all become comfortable with playing the game of male vs. female or vice versa. It shows itself in all areas of life, and is unfortunately strengthened by the same people who want to see it go away.

How do we strengthen it? We assume a lot; we don’t ask questions and if we do it’s the wrong questions; or we’ve already made up our minds that something is the way it is even if the other person(s) says otherwise. Why does this happen? We as a society thrive on building on history, the past, and have a hard time creating a new story. We hold ourselves to what was and become afraid of what can be. Can you and should you negate history. No we cannot and should not. It is history that has brought us to where we are today (as my sister Myra would say). However, the past can also hinder us from moving forward when we maintain or remain in the victim or subjugated role.

Finding Balance
For every offense there should be a counteracting defense. For every roar of male bashing there should be an equal shout of praise. Every time our girls are exposed to the negative, it should be balanced out with the positive that men can provide. We must remember that they will be mothers one day and it is so important that they instill in their boys and girls the importance of the male role in all levels of life. They should be canceling out any reinforcement of the negative views that society has placed because of a few bad eggs.

We, as women, should be encouraging, respectful, and loving to our partners because our girls and boys learn by example. Our children are not only the kids we have at home, but also include any that look up to us (our nieces, nephews, grandchildren, girl/boy scouts, etc.). For every shout out we make to our women, we should equally send something out that praise our men.

It’s so easy to get caught up on what our partners don’t do; how long it took him to do something; and pick and focus on every bad quality they may have. Let’s admit it we’re all guilty of this at one time or another, no matter what gender. However, for us women it’s so much harder for some quirky reason to just say thank you, and not want to add, even though it took you five months to get to it.

Positive Defense
We as women feel the need and are weighed with the responsibility of pointing out and making known that we are not treated equally. Yet, we do not take the onus or ignore the accountability we have in contributing to it. Our mistreatment in the workforce or in society should not be taken into our home in an offensive manner. We forget that our greatest influence is in our inner circle and that within that sphere, we have great and powerful allies who happen to be men. Sometimes we kill our own influence within our circle because of our derogatory ways.

Imagine what life would be if we all used our persuasion as a positive defense. What is positive defense? It is when you can get someone to empathize, gain better understanding, of a negative situation that needs to be turned around. Our circle of influence begins at home and with all those within our circles. Sometimes we get so hung up on solving world hunger that we forget that we can be an impact within our own village.

A Rising Generation
We prepare and determine what the views of our next generation will be. We can choose to continue being bitter, or we can change those feelings and fuel them into teaching others what those negatives views and actions do to our daughters, sisters, wives, mothers which in turn also hurt our sons, brothers, husbands and fathers. However, teaching what it does is not enough. Reinforcing positive behaviors in both genders must go hand in hand. If it doesn’t, it’s like showing the wound but not healing it.

We have a rising generation of men, not all but quite a few, who are trying their best to incorporate the importance of integrity and their responsibility within their role as a man in their home. As much as we as women have tried to prove that we can do it all, it is so imperative that we allow men to be what God has called them to be. Why is that vital? There are fundamentals that none of us can undo.

A girl needs her daddy because he is the first man she’ll know of that will provide validation, a sense of security, and of love. Do we have that in all homes today? We all know that is not happening, but how many of us have good fathers in the home and downplay their role thus creating insecure young women who feel the need to go outside of the home for some loving?

Let’s look at the flip side. Boys need their daddies also. It’s so important for men to instill in the younger generation the sense of responsibility for taking their place in the care of their home. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to care for his woman. Hello it should be that way. Women should be treated as queens. However, some women are so hell bent on making it known they don’t need a man and view it as a way of life for all. I believe all women should be equipped with being able to take care of themselves. I am a proponent of it and drill that into my own girls because of the possibility of death or divorce. No woman should be unprepared. However, the stance of not needing a man, ever, cheats a woman of the richness of partnering with a man who wants to love her in every way he knows how and that includes in the caring for her. Ever wonder why we have so many men who don’t know how to be fathers? It’s not only because of the absence of the father. It is also because of the women who didn’t think it important to find men who can mentor their boys. The result is a man who was ingrained with the thought that a woman doesn’t need him around to raise a baby.

The Value of a Man
We cannot ignore that we have created societies and homes that are broken and need fixing. The fixing has to start with all of us on the individual level. When we are tempted to talk or act badly, we need to become conscientious of those around us, those we influence. The value of a man, the value of your man, the value of the men in your life is portrayed in many different ways. Although it’s their responsibility to live up to, and own their role in life the best way they know how, it is up to us to reinforce the good and make them aware of what hurts us. Not in a derogatory way, but in positive defense. Girls we balance each other out. They’re not perfect and we’re not perfect, but it’s not about who’s better or who’s right. It’s about maintaining the value of each of our roles so that the next generation begins the healing process for repairing the gap between the genders.

This article is dedicated as a shout out to all the men of positive influence in my life; my husband, father, brothers that are also in some cases closest cousins and in-laws, pastors, and friends who have taken the time to put love into action by supporting the women in their lives.

The Legacy of a Man

The legacy of a man becomes the outward display of his character. Legacy demands that the life of a person be praised when merited. A legacy cannot exist unless there is investment of self into others. One is never remembered by how much they did in the material sense, but by how and where their time was devoted. If their devotion was their job, the reaping will be in the temporary memory at that place. However, if commitment was to a wider audience that included not only family, but also community, the ripple effects will be felt for generations to come.

Being Remembered
When we’re young we don’t worry about forging a legacy because we feel time is ours, but as we grow older we begin to value relationships, especially that of family. As we start to lose those that are dearest to us, those who have begun the next journey, we start to question what spiritual, cultural, and family inheritance, we will leave behind to our children. This is not limited to our own children, but also comprises of extended family and those we’ve extended the privilege of calling kin.

Six of the eight Humphreys

The Loss of a Humphrey’s Patriarch
My father’s family consisted of eight brothers and sisters. They were eight orphans who understood and still foster the importance of maintaining sibling-relationships. For as long as I can remember, they’ve always sought each other out, and showed all of us (my cousins) the meaning of love, support, friendship, and just the act of being family.

My Tio (my uncle) was one of the middle children, and though he went through some rocky times, about 20 years ago he decided to turn his life around. Most people would say he found religion, he found Jesus. However, I like thinking that what made his find so much more precious was that he knew how important connection was, and he just transposed what he already had with his siblings to his walk with God.

God quickly became his new best friend, and in doing so, he understood the significance of making his relationship an overflow experience. We all witnessed the transformation in his life, and with it, all of his family values became exemplified to a wider audience. His sowing ground became his community. He understood that one word, one sentence, or one conversation could change the life of another in such a way that they would never be the same. Yes, my Tio did this time and time again.

What Was His Legacy?
The only word that comes to mind is LOVE. He mimicked his God in everything he did. He loved his wife not only through the day to day, but in illness. He loved his children by giving his all, and letting it spill over to their children by being a grand dad in every way he could. He was the pastor to the hurting, and the encourager to the depressed. Tio was Jesus’ smile to his community and neighbors.

I truly believe that Tio learned to love people for who they are and practiced seeing people through God’s eyes. He was a warrior who took his place in the ranks and ran the course he was supposed to. As he slid sideways out of this life (think surf board), his greatest, concluding-achievement was the ability to say, “I did it God…I loved all…I did what you destined me for.” My Tio lived his life to his fullest.

Honoring the Man
What is expected of us, all of the children, not just Tio’s sons and daughters, but all of Tio’s kids? Shouldn’t we be the Humphreys, a proud and loving family who should continue to foster the importance of relationships?

Absolutely, however, when thinking of all the different levels of bonding, I’m sure my Tio would emphasize that the first and foremost relationship should be with God. He understood that the overflow from that relationship would only strengthen all others bringing our connections to deeper levels.

How can I honor, my Tio, a Humphrey’s patriarch? One day of remembrance, one honor-writing piece will never suffice. T he honoring is in continuing the legacy he so carefully forged in the last few years. Although he embraced his calling and his ministry, he never forgot family. He cherished it and I’m sure he expects no less from us.

Honoring those who have gone before me is a daily action. It is living my destiny, embracing my calling, and being everything that I should be. I know that one day I will see them, him, again, and I want to be able to tell him, “I did it Tio…I did it….Thank you for being one of my inspirations”.

In loving memory of my Tio Miguel Angel Humphreys Herrera

Let Your Man Be a Man

I decided to do something a bit different in my last post and opened a discussion to women in Facebook entitled Ladies Let Your Man be a Man. The discussion began with the statement that many times we are guilty of not letting our man be a man. We hinder, ridicule, pester and nag them (to name a few things). Then we wonder why they don’t step up to the plate and BE A MAN when they need to.

Here is a summary of the discussion.

The Extremes

One of the biggest challenges is to find the middle ground. In the quest to do so, we often experience the extremes. Let me give you an example that one of the girls used. She let her man be a man by letting him do all the guy things guys like to do, but thought that he would know she needed help. The result was that he didn't help because she didn't ask. This would frustrate her to the point of volcanic eruption which in turn would make him shut down.

Here’s where some of us fall off the boat and I include myself. We experience one extreme and accept that it will be the norm and do not make the correct adjustments to bring balance to the relationship.

Expectations

When we first meet our significant other, we swear that they know all our wants and needs because basically they meet them all. The dating and first married months are a bliss but then reality roles in and the prince gains a few pounds, loses a few hairs, begins to belch and fart and well you get the picture.

We come to the conclusion that over the years, men in general should understand how we feel since they know that we are wired different. The problem with that is that it sets us up to have certain expectations that are never met. I am one of the ones who whole heartedly believed that until the day that I had a harsh reality check. Years into my marriage I realized my husband had no clue about my expectations. As a matter of fact he was way off even though just like one of the gals shared, I had spoken clearly over and over again about what I wanted. (Okay at least I felt that way.)

Communication

The problem in my case, and that of many others, is not that we lack words. What we lack is the finesse of delivery. We know how to speak our minds but do one or all of the following.

• We say something and get pissed off because we don’t get the right response because we were pissy when we said it.
• We shut up because we’re tired of repeating ourselves.
• We continue to shut up and don’t say anything until we get so pissed off that we just let it all out.

And so the vicious cycle continues where in our head we feel we’ve stated what’s on our mind and that’s our truth. But, we don’t realize the man has not heard a word because he has shut us down and out.

The Balance

Here is where I still struggle…yes I am admitting it. Just like any other woman, I can be sweet as pie but when the hormones fluctuate – ummmm I can be a bit crabby. If you don’t believe it ask the hubs!

Change is inevitable in the relationship. Life happens and what defines it along the way is our reactions. It’s easier to sweep things under the rug then to sit and discuss – not yell – discuss it as adults – not children. Everyone has the tendency to want to get their point across when they’re angry and feel they are right. However, when that happens the ears are not listening because the brain is plotting the next point to be delivered.

There is the need for constant balance in all areas but especially in communication. You can be speaking clearly but if the environment is often hostile, the message is not being delivered.

Work

The Relationship works when you continuously work on it. It’s not because you feel like it. It’s because you have to. Because if you don’t it will die.

One of the gals pointed out that often we forget or do not realize that to have a healthy relationship with another human being it takes a lot of work. There are hormones, outside influences, change, spirituality and many other things to factor in. With all these things to contend with, love doesn’t always sit in the forefront. Those who are seasoned often discover that the feeling isn’t always there. Here is where the cross road occurs that determines whether to quit or work on a relationship.

So what does all this has to do about Letting Your Man be a Man…everything! Let me explain.

We as women often asphyxiate on what our man doesn’t do but we do not pay attention to how we negatively contribute in the relationship. Men are not complex creatures. As a matter of fact they are pretty straight forward. If you tell them exactly what you want without belittling them, they usually respond in a positive manner.

If you treat your man like a king, in words and actions, and he’ll give you the world.

How do I know? I live it every day.

Waiting in Forward Motion

This past weekend was a time of reflection. I guess death does that. It draws you to review that person’s life and highlights their achievements above their failures, unless all they sowed was a fiasco of disappointments.


My friend’s dad was an exemplary patriarch who reminded me so much of my own father. He left a legacy that most men would envy and wish for. Death forces us to face our mortality and it brings us to a place of soul analysis where you start questioning “What am I doing with my time here? How am I spending it? What legacy am I forging”?

When I finally quieted down inside, God showed me that there are instances where we waste so much time waiting idly, when we should be waiting in forward motion.

Life’s choices require us to go with the correct timing.
However, we have become an impatient society because everything we are offered happens in the now. All the comforts and conveniences with today’s technology have conditioned us to maintain a fast and unhealthy pace. This environment will either propel you to burn your candles on both ends, thus burning you out; or frustrate you to the point of doing absolutely nothing…also known as giving up.

Waiting is part of life whether we like it or not. I am guilty of being impatient. I want it now and at times will even throw a tantrum. Of course, hindsight will always show me my immaturity and the cost that my impatience has incurred. Sometimes those same tantrums will cause me to throw in the towel during the waiting. I dig in my heels and say “No more. I am not going to move forward. I’m just going to sit here and just let life pass me by”. But who am I really hurting? Oddly enough, I’m sure you can relate we start to sound like the pouting-five year old who menacingly says, “I’ll show them. I’ll just sit here in my closet and ignore them.” Or perhaps even sound like the rebellious teenager, “I’ll show them. I’ll run away.”

You’ll often hear me refer to this as running while standing still. It’s when inside you’re running away from anything and everything, shutting down the things you don’t want to face or feel like you can’t handle. You fool yourself in thinking that it’ll resolve itself or go away as you wait idly.

Waiting idly is the most powerful and detrimental stance you can take and enforce upon yourself. This giving up of the hands is what causes people to become homeless, remain jobless, stay in abusive relationships, enables them to continue drinking or taking drugs, drives them to alienation or suicide, and maintains every unhealthy emotional hold in their lives. This state of immobility will rob you, cheat you, and kill everything that holds your potential for happiness, progress and success.

We fool ourselves in believing that we’re not idle because we’re focused on everything that needs our immediate attention and even handle it pretty well. However, sooner or later that one thing or things that you have been avoiding will creep up on you and zap you right where it hurts.

So what is waiting in forward motion?
It means exactly that…doing while waiting. There are just certain things you can’t have right now. You have to wait. Some times it’s because it’s not available. Other times it’s because you’re not ready. And of course, there are just certain things that you should not have and the beauty of waiting is what reveals that, right?

It’s not enough to believe while waiting. You have to do while believing. You believe you deserve a nicer and bigger house and there is nothing wrong with that. The question is, what are you doing while waiting to get that bigger house?

Forward motion while waiting requires an action from you. Let’s face it; there are a lot of things in our lives that just won’t get resolved over night. Moving forward will some times require us to:

• Forgive and let go. Forgiveness frees us because as long as we hold a grudge, the person that wronged us keeps control over our lives.
• Voice our hurts. No one is a mind reader and you can’t fix what you don’t voice or acknowledge.
• Get help. There are just certain things we can’t get out of by ourselves.
• Find accountability. At times we require someone to keep us accountable be it for a weakness or goal.
• Face it. Stop ignoring the issue. Whatever the mistake or issue is know that you are human and we all have a God that says you have another chance. It’s your choice to accept that chance or not.
• Set a plan. If you don’t see your vision or dream before you, it’s hard to remain consistent even after failure.

Oma Gertrude said to me yesterday as she looked intently into my eyes, “Don’t let a moment slip you by. Once that moment is gone you cannot get it back. It’s gone forever.”

How many idle moments have slipped by us in the busyness of avoidance? Life is not about work or how much good we do. It’s about living life with purpose and in doing so you and I impart the gift we possess thus enriching everyone around us. The legacy of that enrichment only remains when we make it a point to move forward in any circumstance including and most importantly in the waiting to get there.

In memory of Opa Gerhardt Voggel Sr. whose life inspired this piece, and in

honor of a man whose legacy will continue through his children.