Abandon the Abandonment

When we think of abandonment, we often feel the sting for the other person because we probably know the sting ourselves. It may have been because we experienced it.

We abandon all sorts of ideas but we never look at it as abandonment. Then there is also the abandonment of self, where we totally immerse ourselves into someone or something. Although abandonment has many definitions, it’s often associated with the negative. It is usually the explanation of someone leaving their responsibilities. It creates hurt and unanswered questions. The wounded party often wonders…why?

Abandonment, if not explored, can be the breeding ground of distrust, resentment that can become bitterness, and the ongoing feeling of loneliness even in a crowded room. Why explore, you may wonder? Whatever you don’t question, will haunt you. The answer may never come, but then there’s a decision to be made. Do you continue to ask the why, or do you make peace with not knowing? It’s an individual journey, with individual decisions.

When my husband’s father became ill, the decision to treat him with love and respect was difficult in the beginning, but we knew it was a God-mandate. Here was the man that abandoned his sons, and didn’t actively look for them afterwards. To many outsiders, it looked like he washed his hands of his past. It no longer existed. Unfortunately that spilled over to his grandchildren, and my daughters experienced very little of their grandfather.

Forgiveness

My husband chose to forgive him, but he struggled from time to time on how a father could abandon his children. His way of not holding on to resentment or any of the ugly stuff that can come along with that experience, was to be the best dad he could be. He tried his hardest to be the opposite of what his father was.

During the time that we cared for my father-in-law, we discovered many things about him. You can say that the scales came off our eyes as we witnessed the truth of who he was. It broke both of our hearts and helped my husband heal completely as he served his father…who did not deserve kindness, but was granted it anyway.

Sometimes we don’t understand why people do certain things, how they could abandon their children, or why strayed so far, but God knows. I believe that’s why He asks us to love one another. It’s a hard ask at times, but He understands the human heart, the human condition, the fact that we miss the mark a lot. We tend to judge harshly but don’t want to be judged ourselves, cause let’s face it, we’re perfect. We make no mistakes. Yet there are times where our glass house can be easily shattered due to our temporary/momentary hypocrisy. This is where love covers a multitude of sins.

When God commanded us to forgive, it was because he knew there was healing in forgiveness, not only for the offender but most importantly, for the one offended. The greatest gift that Rich’s dad received before he left this earth was family…the love of our family that was unconditional. It was not because we are saints. It’s because we chose to honor God first and foremost, and we live by a rule in our extended family that we keep to. “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and everything is small.”

 A lot of times, we want the justification of being right. We want that pat on the shoulder, the camaraderie of acceptance but that’s not always the path to healing. Going against the grain and being the lone person that sings to a different tune is usually the one that makes the difference; the one who promotes healing and well-being.  

Just because everyone is in agreement for a seemingly good cause, doesn’t mean that their motives are right or even pleasing to heaven. We live in a world where the bible is no longer the standard and only feeling is the guide. That can get anyone in trouble because God’s not interested in opinions. He’s looking for obedience because obedience is what turns the tides.

Abandon the Abandonment

Abandonment can be a devastating experience, but God’s healing is ever greater. I challenge you to try God, I mean really try God. Be brutally honest with Him about what you’re feeling, but be ready to abandon the abandonment. What that means is that you will be faced with the choice to hold on to the feelings, or release it and bind God’s love to your soul. You may have to say “I release (fill in the blank) and I bind God’s love to my soul” 1,000x in a day for days, but know that God heals. He sent Jesus to restore you completely and make you whole again.

In Luke and Isaiah, it says that Jesus came to give freedom to the brokenhearted. If that is a truth that has become your truth, then your next choice is to believe.

What is a Sofon?

"He's a sofon Julie!" she screamed in frustration. "What?" Anna replied. "A sofon! You know like those big garbage cans in the projects that are filled with newspapers to burn for heat." 

Anna stared at her with a perplexed look on her face. "Anna, he's like that garbage can." Anna's brows began to knit together as she frowned. Her lips began to form a pout. 

"Don't look at me like that. You know it's true. As long as you feed into him, give him what he wants, he will burn for you and give you the affection you need. But, the minute you stop, he's like a sofon. If you don't keep lighting it up, eventually it will die out. And in case it's not obvious to you, a sofon always contains it's flame to one place. Girl you want a man whose a forest fire! You want him loose...to go everywhere...unconstrained. That's what true love is like. The man that loves you wants to be part of your family. He wants to meet your friends and most importantly, he loves you and looks for you!" 

Anna's anger grew with every word coming out of Julie's mouth. She spat vehemently, "You don't understand. He pays attention to me unlike Eric who never used to. You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know what it's like to have someone who finally cares and pays attention to me!" 

Julie thought for a moment and chose her words carefully, "But at what cost Anna?"

Perhaps you know someone like Anna or perhaps you were Anna. You were in a relationship where you were mistreated, you switched over into a new relationship and found yourself on the unbalanced side of giving, and giving and giving...again. 

Women, as nurturers, tend to naturally lean towards being all her man wants her to be. However, when the cost compromises her emotionally, socially and spiritually, she often misses her flag, her warning that she may be in a sofon relationship. The relationship is contained and remains within a happy balance as long as she's giving certain things, his way, most of the time. 

Why do women get caught up into an emotional sofon? Find out more next week. 

Overlooked Series: Introduction

Overlooked…have you ever felt that way? You know, like when somebody didn’t notice something you did...like how you changed your hair, are dressed up to the nines or perhaps how much you do. Often we equate that to rejection. We feel rejected. We feel neglected. Worst of all, we feel forgotten.

When something you put effort into is not recognized, it can put you into a tailspin of doubt. You begin to question why the person or persons didn’t notice. You begin to wonder if what you did was not good enough. You begin to wonder if your abilities are good enough. The comparison game kicks in and you start to tally what you don’t have because you’re focused on someone else’s noticeable, good points. You come to the conclusion that you’ve fallen short. The cycle begins.

Women are often overlooked but those who were in authority over them growing up. They are overlooked by the busy father who didn’t take out time to do daddy/daughter dates and tell them that they’re beautiful.

Some didn’t see the right treatment of their mother because their father’s focus was more on making money. No matter how hard their mom tried, their father didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge the mom’s efforts or when she got dolled up for him. They young girl believes this to be the norm, so they bring it into adulthood only to find that the sting of being overlooked hurt more than they anticipated or thought they were accustomed to.

As a young child enters into her pre-teens and teens, there is a need of validations and affirmations from her main, male figures. She begins to notice that there is a pattern of being overlooked by teachers, peers called friends and even siblings. At times, she wasn’t picked to go certain places, play certain games or participate in certain events. She was left out, either intentionally or because nobody noticed she wanted to be part of the group. No one knew that she wanted so badly to fit in but she felt the deep ripple effects of it. Inside she believed that she did not add value and with that, she began to create a barrier, a mechanism that would protect her from feeling rejected…all because she was overlooked.

Unbeknownst to her main, adult-authorities, a chasm began to form in the innermost part of her being. Her soul began to disengage but the hunger to connect and be significant began to grow. Thus the need for outside validation began to grow. Her value began to chip away as the cycle and pattern continued to intensify through boyfriends and bad break ups. (Sometimes I wonder why we call it bad break ups. I’ve never seen a good one.) The boyfriend didn’t notice how pretty she looked after she spent so much time doing her hair or make up. He didn’t notice what she wore unless it was low cut or short. A new unhealthy correlation begins to emerge. She begins to equate attention with how she dresses. Although at first it annoys her, the attention she gets is intoxicating because she never received it from her authoritative male figure during her childhood years. And so the cycle continues to increase, chasm begins to deepen and her sense of value begins to erode.

There are three areas in a woman’s life where the absence of validation and affirmation causes a domino effect. These three areas are emotional, social and spiritual. You may wonder why I didn’t mention the physical. The physical usually displays the scars that are visible to her and others. They show up in depression, weight gain, promiscuity, self-loathing…the list is long. The inner scars are invisible to the outside and often not recognized by the overlooked woman. She believes she is living the norm, when in reality her actions, her lifestyle, what she expects and gives are being driven by the unseen to others, as well as to herself.

For the next few weeks, I will be unpacking this via my blog posts. I hope you join me in this journey of reversing the cycle of bondage that being overlooked may have created in your life. It’s time to be free. 

What is Your Motivation?

I was listening to John Bevere about the white throne judgement and the one thing that stood out was the 
question, “What is your motivation?”

Motivation determines whether you’re acting as God’s agent in love and with compassion, or if your do is based on selfish ambitions or pursuits.

Those pursuits may look like justifications that make you feel accomplished but are contrary to what is expected of you in a higher realm. Each of us have a calling, a purpose to fulfill.  You bring something to the table and your delivery is what makes it count here and in eternity.

What is your motivation? It’s the question that I remind myself to ask over and over again. Is this what Daddy wants me to do now? Am I in my lane? Am I staying on my course? Again what is my...what is your motivation? Does love guide?

Ask yourself, “Does...love...guide...me?”

Outside of Time

We live by the clock. Each day, we wake up to an alarm set to a certain time. We leave the house, arrive at work, leave work, pick up kids from school, make meals and go to bed set to a certain time.

But…did you know that life was never meant to be confined to time. That wasn’t God’s plan originally. You see God lives in a realm called eternity. There is no time. He lives outside of time. When you first hear the word eternity, it overloads your mind. The thought of living without end perplexes you. Let’s be real. It horrifies you. I bet some of you even get a little anxiety at the thought.

Think about this for a moment. When you are experiencing a great time doing something you love and being with those you love, you lose track of time…right? Imagine living like that as the norm. What a wonderful image. What a warm and comforting feeling. What an extraordinary truth of our future.

Everyone in heaven lives outside of time. Everyone here on earth are confined to time. Yet, everyone both in heaven and on earth are designed with a unique purpose. Now if you just grasp what I wrote, it’s mind blowing. If you didn’t, then let me unpack it for you.

You are an eternal being. God didn’t stop there. He created you to be an eternal, unique-being. Let’s use me as an example. When He thought of me, He said, okay I want Roz to have the following unique abilities. No one else ever in creation will have the same unique abilities that Roz will possess. Not only did God make me unique but He also made you unique. He designed you with unique abilities that are necessary to use within your purpose. You know, your mission in life; what you are supposed to be accomplishing forever.

Often, we look at purpose as being limited to the here and now. We forget that when God created Adam and Eve, He gave them purpose, their unique abilities, when everything was outside of time. It was only after the fall that time was introduced. This changed when Christ died because He became the bridge that allows us to enter back into eternity with the Father.

Both you and I must recognize and acknowledge that our purpose, how we impact others, is not limited to the here and now. Our agenda, our accomplishments, our milestones pale or mean nothing in comparison to what we should be accomplishing here on earth for the Father. When all is said and done, and we are weighed on God’s scale, it will always be against love, because that is who He is.

Your purpose must be intertwined and driven by love. Your gifts are to be shared as far and wide as possible. Your talents and skills should be honed constantly. You were designed to make a difference to specifically, assigned individuals that need to hear or receive what you offer.

No one is without purpose. No one. God is a purposeful God. Everything He has created, serves a purpose. Everything and everyone is part of a complex, beautiful tapestry…part of His magnificent handiwork.

Now that you know the truth of your future, that is, living outside of time, what will you do about it? Your time here, this pause on this earth, is just your training ground. What’s next is even more adventurous. Imagine what you can accomplish with no time constraints! Imagine doing what you love with no deadlines!

Don’t miss out on the sheer joy that comes with the fulfillment of being you. Step into your purpose, your destiny, and begin to live as if you were outside of time.

Call To Action:
1. Take inventory. Are you doing what you were designed to do and living your purpose?
2. If the answer is no, answer the why.
3. If yes, what new things are planned for this year?
4. If you have no plans in place, start now. Map out the year.
5. Don't know your next steps, pray and fast and ask God for clarity.

Do I Love Me Series: The Patience Towards Me

The patience to heal will provide you a balanced life. To actively seek wholeness is God’s plan for your life. When you are healthy, you can provide or be a catalyst of healing to others. God has called you to be a healer to others and to promote wholeness as well.

The patience to forgive will provide you a cleansed life. When you forgive yourself, you tell God that you accept His full forgiveness and that the power of the cross, the blood that was shed for you is more than enough. You mimic Jesus and love the way that the Father has asked you to love.

The patience to let go of something or someone will keep your life aligned. God will put in your path people that will help you reach your greatest potential. If you do those things that are beneficial to you, it will give you the push to be all that God has seen in you before the creation of the earth. Amazing…isn’t it?

The patience to endure will keep you steadfast. To endure yourself means that you will have the patience to endure others in your life because you recognize that we’re all human. We are all on a destination and you need to love you despite where you may be presently at.

The patience to get where you are going will keep you on the right path. That path is yours alone. No one else can walk in it for or with you for too long. It can be a lonely journey or it can be peppered with the right people that God sends to you. He will bring people that will help you get to where you are going because it requires team to do what God has called you to do.

The patience to become a better you will keep you humble. It is not based on what others have said about you but what God says. Your measurement is against His standards and therefore, you remove all expectations that society or culture may have placed. You understand your position and your role in God’s kingdom and apply the servant

approach to all things.

Your Declaration

I am long suffering towards myself because it is the way I show love to my inner gal. I will be patient and choose to heal my inner gal. I will be patient and choose to forgive me. I will be patient and will release that something or someone that is a hindrance to my spirit and soul. I will be patient in my journey and will endure where I am at because I have the blessed hope to get where I am going and to become a better me. 

Do I Love Me?

Do I love me?

Sounds like a selfish question, but it is not. Often we look at 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, as the love chapter for others, but it is supposed to start with us…you and me. The reality is that if I can’t love myself, I can’t love another fully and correctly. If I constantly pour myself out or keep others first, I will deplete or give what I don’t have eventually. If I continually pour into another, it will hurt me because it will create an emotional gap. Even if I’m following 1 Corinthians 13 to the best of my ability, but don’t apply it first and foremost to me, I will eventually die or create a grave for myself emotionally.

Your inner gal needs to be nurtured. She needs to know that you love her and that means that you give her the time and attention that she needs. To love me is to stop and to ask, what is it that I need today emotionally? What am I missing in the rush of doing life? Am I really balanced inside or am I teetering?

Often, we pray and ask God to heal different parts of our soul and then wait. But, that’s not how God works. He always provides guidelines on how to heal. He requires that we take certain steps and certain actions in order to heal. Often, those steps are really hard. No one likes hard, but isn’t that how we grow?

God loves you too much to keep you where you’re at. He loves you too much to keep you at a place of disappointment, of hurt and of depletion. He wants so much for you.

God wants abundance and yet many of us live in the shadow of fullness. We don’t live wholly because the picture that we have painted for ourselves is that of a sacrificial gal. We say, “God will be pleased with us because we serve, because we are women who give of ourselves and because this is what is expected of us.” This picture that has been painted for many of us is far from the truth. God wants us to serve the most important person in our lives first…ourselves.

The question is…do you love yourself enough to do that?