Tweaking the Tude

It’s funny how sometimes you hear something and it doesn’t apply to you at the moment because all is well with the world. Two weeks ago my pastor finished a series called “Thanks for What?” and, at the time I was feeling pretty good and grateful. However that changed this past Wednesday when my world was turned a bit upside down.

I was advised that I had a possible assignment starting this Sunday that would require me to fly to Dallas for the next two weeks. My heart sank. Didn’t they know it was the Christmas season and I have two ladies (my pet name for my girls 12 and 16) at home? The assignment would require long hours and only one day off with lots of required learning beforehand. I have to admit that my grateful heart went right out the window and I felt anger and resentment because I was picked. It would interfere with my time with my family, which is what is most important to me, and would throw a major monkey wrench into my decorating and entertainment schedule.

Needless to say, there were two things that began to plague me; worry and an ungrateful attitude. These two things came on even after my husband and I prayed about it. For some reason my anger got the best of me as I felt quite slighted. You see I was the princess. She was always taken care of and even got promoted recently and so I guess she felt a bit untouchable; until now.

This morning when I woke up, I felt the grumbling start and I stopped it, and bless Pastor Frank, I remember the message he had covered. I began this morning’s prayer with, I really don’t like what is being done to me but I thank you that I am blessed and make good money, and have been treated very well. I went down the list and I did begin by mentioning what bothered me and counteracted each and every single one with the good. My prayer ended with thanksgiving for all the good things and people in my life.

Friday is praise day for my writer’s group and one of the gals mentioned that she updated her blog with the direction that God was leading her. While I was reading her thoughts I remembered my husband’s prayer Wednesday morning. I kind of dismissed it because of my poor attitude, but heard it pretty clearly again this morning. “If Roz is supposed to be a blessing at this place, let it be as you want.” The light bulb went on and it was another AHA moment for me. I was so hung up on what I wanted to do, and how I was being affected, that I forgot to even ask “What do you want, Lord?”.

I went through a series of attitude adjustments -- tweaking the tude. First I had to stop grumbling and ask for forgiveness. I still had some grumble left so then I had to start thanking to counteract each ungrateful thought. Next, I had to put the trust factor back into motion and acknowledge once again that God is in control. Once I did all those things, I was finally at a place to ask God, “What do you want, Lord?”. It was only when I went through all these motions that I felt peace.

So what did I learn? I’ve learned that some times the princess needs to be dethroned because she needs to go through the exercise of tweaking the tude. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just part of life’s never-ending lessons. These types of lessons remind me how blessed I am, and how powerful attitude can be during any circumstance.

Tweaking of the tude...anyone?

Relationships: The Trust Factor

Amazing Trust

It amazes me when I think of how much Jesus trusted his disciples…yes all 12 of them. Think about it, he even depended on Judas to take care of the money bag. However, there were specific disciples that he expected more from than the others. It was Peter, James and John who were asked to go up to the mount during the transfiguration, and the same three who were asked to go pray with him during his time in Gethsemane.

However, we see even greater reliance when John is asked to care for the master’s mother. He was even entrusted with a vision that became the last book in the bible (the Revelation). Jesus understood that trust had different levels, and he made sure that he cultivated that confident dependency in each relationship.

The Investment
How did Jesus know which friendships would give him the best return? He took the time to invest a little bit of himself into each and every one of them. In doing so, he was able to feel and read the heart of his companions. The closer they were, the more he trusted. The more he trusted, the more he invested or poured himself into these individuals.

Risk & and Missed Opportunities

Jesus knew the risks of trusting and experienced deep hurt by the betrayal of Judas, the denial of Peter, and the abandonment of all of his most trusted friends. Yet because he loved them so much, he forgave them, and extended his trust once again after his resurrection.

Sometimes we miss the opportunity of building deep bonds because of past hurts. Some of us don’t believe that anyone can be trusted. Reality is that there are a lot of folks out there with good and Godly hearts with the potential of becoming cherished friends, if given the chance.

Level Determination

It took Jesus 3 ½ years of “constant” companionship to determine the level of trust that should be imparted to each of them. Although we don’t have the luxury of living with any of our friends (unless of course we marry one of them or become roomies), we do have the opportunity of forging new friendships and fostering existing ones.

Let’s face it…relationship without the trust factor doesn’t work. It only creates a false sense of security that ensures isolation. The importance of friendship is seen throughout the word. We need one another. We were created with the inclination to love.

What a wonderful thing relationship is and can be. Let’s set our hearts on building trust, the factor for growing great friendships.

To Live in Expectation

When we were younger, we looked forward to being with friends, play dates, winning games and family vacations. As we moved into the teen and young adult years, we looked forward to homecoming, prom, graduation, college and getting married. As the married years progressed, we got excited with the thought of starting a new family.

It is so easy to live in expectation when there’s a baby on the way. My family has been blessed with one new niece and nephew, but what has raised the level of excitement is that there’s one more baby due this year. During the pregnancies, it was easy to maintain the level of excitement because there was outward evidence of what was going on inwardly. It was easy to imagine or try to predict what side of the family the baby would look like. Although, of course, none of us truly knew, it was fun to think and talk about.

God expects us to live with that type of high expectation as a life style. He desires for us to welcome each day in expectancy. Often times, when we are in the middle of a tough situation, we focus on the problem. If we choose to, it can asphyxiate us. Our anxiety levels can control us and cause us to live in misery. When our source and our trust is not in God, it removes the chance for Him to work on our behalf and keeps us a prisoner of our circumstances.

Past failures also cause us to wade in unhappiness. For some reason, failures seem to loom over our heads and remind us how much we lack. It stops us from moving forward and keeps us trapped in the illusion of contentment. We go as far as to compare ourselves with others (grandpa was a small-time this…) and we identify and resign our fate to be within the same plight. We do not stretch ourselves although God expects us to live life to the fullest and at our best.

Unmet goals are also a source of discontentment. When we first start out towards a goal, we go after it with all that we’ve got. After a few days, weeks or months, we fizzle out if we do not see fast results or if things don’t turn out the way we want them to. We become complacent and find no need to try harder. If disappointment happens often enough, it can shift a person into existence. They no longer live. The events that excited them and the goals that stimulated them, become dreams of the past. They settle for the doldrums of routine and life becomes a clutter of things that have to get done without much thought.

Sounds depressing…who wants to live like that? None of us do, but a lot of us fall into some type of rut once in a while.

Why is it that we lose sight of what can be? Perhaps because it’s easier to live in lack and depressed. This may sound harsh, but change requires work and most of us don’t want to because everything around us has made life effortless. Can’t cook, don’t worry…you can go to a drive-thru and pick up dinner. Forget about snail mail…we’ve got email. Have to pay bills…online banking makes it a cinch. What’s sad is that all these progressive-technological changes has adjusted our attitude, and we have settled for less or nothing. We lose out on the most important part of our being, that of living out our purpose.

To live in expectation requires us to recognize who we are and why we are here. If you can’t answer those two questions with sincerity, you will live a frustrated life. It’s not enough to seek out after spirituality. There are many mediums today that encourage us to discover our spiritual side. All of them try to provide a path that will lead you to answer those two pressing questions, but most fall short because God has been taken out of the equation.

Why is it important to keep God in the equation?

When you have relationship with God, you reach the understanding that He is the one that deposits dreams into your heart. Not only does He deposit dreams, but He also provides the validation needed to move forward in fulfilling those dreams. When you understand that you have been validated before you were born; when you understand that you were purposely created; when you understand that your unique gift was designed specifically for you alone, it propels you to live in expectation. You can’t help it.

It’s not enough to know it. You have to take it to the next level and understand it. You may know that a car works because it takes you from one place to another, but you may not understand what’s inside the car that makes it work. The outward evidence of your lifestyle is based on your understanding of God’s word and promises inwardly.

Take a serious look at your life. Do you love waking up in the morning or do you dread it? You have a choice. You can continue to believe that life will not get better, or you can know that life gets better and better everyday. You can look forward to nothing or you can know that there’s a rainbow over each horizon. Proverbs says hope deferred makes the heart sick. Don’t waste another moment. Hope and Live.

Let Your Man Be a Man

I decided to do something a bit different in my last post and opened a discussion to women in Facebook entitled Ladies Let Your Man be a Man. The discussion began with the statement that many times we are guilty of not letting our man be a man. We hinder, ridicule, pester and nag them (to name a few things). Then we wonder why they don’t step up to the plate and BE A MAN when they need to.

Here is a summary of the discussion.

The Extremes

One of the biggest challenges is to find the middle ground. In the quest to do so, we often experience the extremes. Let me give you an example that one of the girls used. She let her man be a man by letting him do all the guy things guys like to do, but thought that he would know she needed help. The result was that he didn't help because she didn't ask. This would frustrate her to the point of volcanic eruption which in turn would make him shut down.

Here’s where some of us fall off the boat and I include myself. We experience one extreme and accept that it will be the norm and do not make the correct adjustments to bring balance to the relationship.

Expectations

When we first meet our significant other, we swear that they know all our wants and needs because basically they meet them all. The dating and first married months are a bliss but then reality roles in and the prince gains a few pounds, loses a few hairs, begins to belch and fart and well you get the picture.

We come to the conclusion that over the years, men in general should understand how we feel since they know that we are wired different. The problem with that is that it sets us up to have certain expectations that are never met. I am one of the ones who whole heartedly believed that until the day that I had a harsh reality check. Years into my marriage I realized my husband had no clue about my expectations. As a matter of fact he was way off even though just like one of the gals shared, I had spoken clearly over and over again about what I wanted. (Okay at least I felt that way.)

Communication

The problem in my case, and that of many others, is not that we lack words. What we lack is the finesse of delivery. We know how to speak our minds but do one or all of the following.

• We say something and get pissed off because we don’t get the right response because we were pissy when we said it.
• We shut up because we’re tired of repeating ourselves.
• We continue to shut up and don’t say anything until we get so pissed off that we just let it all out.

And so the vicious cycle continues where in our head we feel we’ve stated what’s on our mind and that’s our truth. But, we don’t realize the man has not heard a word because he has shut us down and out.

The Balance

Here is where I still struggle…yes I am admitting it. Just like any other woman, I can be sweet as pie but when the hormones fluctuate – ummmm I can be a bit crabby. If you don’t believe it ask the hubs!

Change is inevitable in the relationship. Life happens and what defines it along the way is our reactions. It’s easier to sweep things under the rug then to sit and discuss – not yell – discuss it as adults – not children. Everyone has the tendency to want to get their point across when they’re angry and feel they are right. However, when that happens the ears are not listening because the brain is plotting the next point to be delivered.

There is the need for constant balance in all areas but especially in communication. You can be speaking clearly but if the environment is often hostile, the message is not being delivered.

Work

The Relationship works when you continuously work on it. It’s not because you feel like it. It’s because you have to. Because if you don’t it will die.

One of the gals pointed out that often we forget or do not realize that to have a healthy relationship with another human being it takes a lot of work. There are hormones, outside influences, change, spirituality and many other things to factor in. With all these things to contend with, love doesn’t always sit in the forefront. Those who are seasoned often discover that the feeling isn’t always there. Here is where the cross road occurs that determines whether to quit or work on a relationship.

So what does all this has to do about Letting Your Man be a Man…everything! Let me explain.

We as women often asphyxiate on what our man doesn’t do but we do not pay attention to how we negatively contribute in the relationship. Men are not complex creatures. As a matter of fact they are pretty straight forward. If you tell them exactly what you want without belittling them, they usually respond in a positive manner.

If you treat your man like a king, in words and actions, and he’ll give you the world.

How do I know? I live it every day.

The Evil Twins

The other day as I looked out the window I noticed that there were two cats out in my backyard. The one that was perched on a tree stump had his back away from the black cat that was in hunt mode. I knew this only because I had watched how big cats hunt for prey on the Discovery Channel the other night. I found it quite comical that what I learned was reinforced by this small runt who carefully and quite purposely made sure that his hind paws landed where his front paws were as he slowly inched towards his targeted victim. This stepping pattern ensures silence. Fortunately the poor bird that would’ve been breakfast heard him and flew away. The black cat had no other recourse but to perch himself on another stump and wait.

The pair reminded me of the evil twins; Suicide and Death.

A lot of us would like to dismiss spirituality and rather tie all of these types of tragedies to illness, be it mental or physical. Some of us feel comfortable in knowing there’s a good higher power but rather not imagine or think about any dark forces. However, during the holidays we hear time and again of people who have decided to end it. Have you ever wondered why? Is it really just the blues?

Suicide does not have a first name or a title. It doesn’t deserve one. Just like the black cat, it moves quietly in stealth mode. It gives its position away when it inadvertently steps into the wrong territory. In the instance with the black cat, it stepped on broken branches. Those branches represent the voices that snap folks back into reality causing them to refocus and regain the right perspective. Unfortunately there are some who can no longer hear and that’s when the evil twins team up for the kill. Suicide quietly moves towards its victim until it snatches them up. Once in its clutch, Death who is always nearby comes in to claim his latest casualty. Unlike his brother, Death waits in openness…he always has a target within his sight.

Sounds like something that can become a sci-fi story…ha? But what if it is not?

Okay so by now you’re asking yourself, “Why so glum a blog Roz during the holiday season?”

Look around. How many of your friends or acquaintances have become either blue or withdrawn. Perhaps you’ve interpreted that as their needing space. What if that’s not the case?

True you can’t get in someone’s face who truly doesn’t want you around but it never ever hurts to try to love on someone. What if you came around just when they needed you most?

Love comes in all different ways. Kindness is one of its fruits. A smile, a hug, or even a touch on the arm can go a long way. We’ve become a society that is so busy that we have placed the spirit of Christmas in the backseat somewhere, and have forgotten its true drive.

The spirit of the Christmas holiday is Love, not should be it just IS.

Christmas IS Love.

It’s seeking out those you haven’t seen or heard from a while. So what if it’s been months or years.You may be the voice that they need to hear, the embrace they may need to feel, or the heart that they may need to connect with.

You can be the voice that deters someone from giving up.
You have the power, each of us have the power, to deter the evil twins. Love will always cripple evil Suicide. This in turns forces death to move somewhere else. All that is needed from us is the stepping up of our sensitivity to those within our circle, be it on the outskirts or right outside of it, or within our immediate reach.

We alone will not be able to reach everyone, but collectively we can foil their plans time and time again. No, we cannot save everyone, but what do you think happens when we do not all pull our weight in life’s journey? What are we here for? It surely isn’t for constant self-gratification. If all you think and invest in is self that’s all you’ll ever have….self. That’s a lonely place to be at. Life is not about me or you. It’s about us.

Whether you believe in the spirit world or not, let’s not forget those who need from us emotionally.The best present we can give anyone is that of ourselves and this, my friend, is a gift that can be given over and over again no matter what time of the year we’re in.




Merry Christmas

Waiting in Forward Motion

This past weekend was a time of reflection. I guess death does that. It draws you to review that person’s life and highlights their achievements above their failures, unless all they sowed was a fiasco of disappointments.


My friend’s dad was an exemplary patriarch who reminded me so much of my own father. He left a legacy that most men would envy and wish for. Death forces us to face our mortality and it brings us to a place of soul analysis where you start questioning “What am I doing with my time here? How am I spending it? What legacy am I forging”?

When I finally quieted down inside, God showed me that there are instances where we waste so much time waiting idly, when we should be waiting in forward motion.

Life’s choices require us to go with the correct timing.
However, we have become an impatient society because everything we are offered happens in the now. All the comforts and conveniences with today’s technology have conditioned us to maintain a fast and unhealthy pace. This environment will either propel you to burn your candles on both ends, thus burning you out; or frustrate you to the point of doing absolutely nothing…also known as giving up.

Waiting is part of life whether we like it or not. I am guilty of being impatient. I want it now and at times will even throw a tantrum. Of course, hindsight will always show me my immaturity and the cost that my impatience has incurred. Sometimes those same tantrums will cause me to throw in the towel during the waiting. I dig in my heels and say “No more. I am not going to move forward. I’m just going to sit here and just let life pass me by”. But who am I really hurting? Oddly enough, I’m sure you can relate we start to sound like the pouting-five year old who menacingly says, “I’ll show them. I’ll just sit here in my closet and ignore them.” Or perhaps even sound like the rebellious teenager, “I’ll show them. I’ll run away.”

You’ll often hear me refer to this as running while standing still. It’s when inside you’re running away from anything and everything, shutting down the things you don’t want to face or feel like you can’t handle. You fool yourself in thinking that it’ll resolve itself or go away as you wait idly.

Waiting idly is the most powerful and detrimental stance you can take and enforce upon yourself. This giving up of the hands is what causes people to become homeless, remain jobless, stay in abusive relationships, enables them to continue drinking or taking drugs, drives them to alienation or suicide, and maintains every unhealthy emotional hold in their lives. This state of immobility will rob you, cheat you, and kill everything that holds your potential for happiness, progress and success.

We fool ourselves in believing that we’re not idle because we’re focused on everything that needs our immediate attention and even handle it pretty well. However, sooner or later that one thing or things that you have been avoiding will creep up on you and zap you right where it hurts.

So what is waiting in forward motion?
It means exactly that…doing while waiting. There are just certain things you can’t have right now. You have to wait. Some times it’s because it’s not available. Other times it’s because you’re not ready. And of course, there are just certain things that you should not have and the beauty of waiting is what reveals that, right?

It’s not enough to believe while waiting. You have to do while believing. You believe you deserve a nicer and bigger house and there is nothing wrong with that. The question is, what are you doing while waiting to get that bigger house?

Forward motion while waiting requires an action from you. Let’s face it; there are a lot of things in our lives that just won’t get resolved over night. Moving forward will some times require us to:

• Forgive and let go. Forgiveness frees us because as long as we hold a grudge, the person that wronged us keeps control over our lives.
• Voice our hurts. No one is a mind reader and you can’t fix what you don’t voice or acknowledge.
• Get help. There are just certain things we can’t get out of by ourselves.
• Find accountability. At times we require someone to keep us accountable be it for a weakness or goal.
• Face it. Stop ignoring the issue. Whatever the mistake or issue is know that you are human and we all have a God that says you have another chance. It’s your choice to accept that chance or not.
• Set a plan. If you don’t see your vision or dream before you, it’s hard to remain consistent even after failure.

Oma Gertrude said to me yesterday as she looked intently into my eyes, “Don’t let a moment slip you by. Once that moment is gone you cannot get it back. It’s gone forever.”

How many idle moments have slipped by us in the busyness of avoidance? Life is not about work or how much good we do. It’s about living life with purpose and in doing so you and I impart the gift we possess thus enriching everyone around us. The legacy of that enrichment only remains when we make it a point to move forward in any circumstance including and most importantly in the waiting to get there.

In memory of Opa Gerhardt Voggel Sr. whose life inspired this piece, and in

honor of a man whose legacy will continue through his children.

Beyond Mistakes

Have you ever wished that walls could speak?


This is my favorite quaint little café in the Webatuck Village. It has that homey rustic feel, and its menu offers hearty breakfast delights and yummy triple-decker lunch sandwiches. Much of the interior will remind you of what a house may have looked or felt like in the 1800s. As you walk to any area to be seated, it creaks a bit. It has the typical fire place, and my favorite part of the décor, is the built-in library. The old wooden shelves happen to have a few first edition books as well as some classics.

Although those walls cannot speak, our internal ones usually do. You know those walls…the ones you don’t want anyone to hear. Just like an old house that keeps mum about its tenant’s life within, we in turn do the same.

Do We Really Show Who We Are?
Quite a few of us would answer no; at least not all the time. The whys may be for many reasons, but probably the main factor is because of hurt. Sometimes the hurt stems from things someone did to us, or things we caused or contributed to. In any case, we usually are our worst critic and beat ourselves up for not being a better judge of character or for not making the right choices. All we know is that a blunder has occurred that has altered our lives and we, in response, buckle down, slam shut our doors and windows; some times forever.

The Confounding World of Mistakes
Would you agree that all of us make mistakes at one point or another? It’s part of life, right? Growing up, we’re told that over and over again by parents, relatives, teachers, and well – anyone who crosses our path during our childhood. We learn early on about bad and good, but as we get older, we find out that there is some gray that can be thrown into the mix.

What is the Gray?
Gray is that area where bad can be good and good can be bad, and this whole flip flop is open to interpretation. I believe that it’s in the gray areas where most mistakes are done. It’s the zone that we enter into when we want to justify something we know in our gut is not right. It’s the locale where conscience is numbed, and the region where our hearts win over our head. Judgment of character gets clouded or disappears altogether, and emotions take the lead. Add some passion in your grey-belief and you can kiss goodbye any logical thinking.

Ouch…those Burns Hurt

We start to think rationally again once we’ve been burned, scarred, maybe even charred. How do we avoid being raked across the coals again? Our initial instinct is to shut down and stay away, or attack and then disappear. Everyone has their own style of coping. However, what happens and what will you do after this first reaction? Will you continue on the path of silent hurt or will you acknowledge, grieve, and move on? You will not and cannot move forward or upward until you acknowledge the hurt, understand how you got there, and most importantly take action not to get yourself in that position again.

Remember when you discovered at a young age not to place your hand on a hot stove? You made sure you'd stay away, but as you grew older you grasped the value of what a stove can do, as long as you followed the instructions and guidelines for using it. Did you know that life is just like that? We too have guiding principles for living, but when we choose to go outside of them we willingly playing with fire, sometimes knowingly, and end up getting scorched or razed.

Now Wait a Minute…
Perhaps some of you are saying, what happened to me was not my fault! Your statement would be accurate if the pain was forced upon you, IE: abuse, etc. However, we’re talking about the mistakes we make through life’s journey which would include staying in an abusive relationship (by the way).

Speaking Your Heart
The worst disservice you can do to yourself is to become like that old café; unable to speak. When you can’t voice your heart, you start to creak inside. After a while like any aging house, you’ll need repair. The difference is that a house can be repaired in days or weeks. We, humans, can take years. As emotional beings, we need to feel loved and accepted, and during crisis it’s so important that we have a support person or person(s) that will help us grieve, heal, and even point out our blundering ways. One of the most important qualities of a good friend is one who is not afraid to tell you when you are wrong, even when it means pouring some salt in the wound (as my best friend would say).

Who’s In Control?
The act of forgiveness is a liberating experience, and plays an important part of moving on. As long as we hold grudges, feel resentful, and harbor the hurt, we remain in the prison we meticulously have created. As long as you hold on to all those things, the person who wronged you maintains their negative dominance over your life (even if they’ve forgotten about you and have moved on!)…how bad is that?

The flip side is self-forgiveness. Do you ever wake up in the morning and say, today’s to do includes, torturing myself mentally for what I did a gazillion years ago because I just love the pain I feel when I drudge up all of those old memories. Sounds kind of sadistic, right? But…that’s what a lot of us do. We bring to remembrance past mistakes over and over again, believing that our martyr ways will somehow redeem us.

Getting Beyond Mistakes
As we face the reality of hurts, mistakes, and the learning that comes with it, the stretch usually brings us to the point when it’s time to let go. Here is where a lot of us add to our existing mistake; we hold on. We’re afraid to let go because we won’t have the drive, anger, or that evil-grin, strategizing energy to plan out our vengeance. As sweet as it may feel at the time, eventually it can be exhausting as it drains the life out of you. Letting go means doing just that. Don’t hold on to it. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t entertain the hurtful thoughts. Let it go. When you remember, chuck it as a lesson learned and experience that will help you assist others. It’s amazing how our experiences come into play during somebody else’s crisis.

Remember, God’s love brings forgiveness to the undeserving. How much more forgiving should we be? Okay so we’re not God, but as His children it’s something we should incorporate into our lives anyway. It sure beats living miserably and helps us live, really live, beyond our mistakes.