Overlooked…have you
ever felt that way? You know, like when somebody didn’t notice something you
did...like how you changed your hair, are dressed up to the nines or perhaps how
much you do. Often we equate that to rejection. We feel rejected. We feel
neglected. Worst of all, we feel forgotten.
When something you
put effort into is not recognized, it can put you into a tailspin of doubt. You
begin to question why the person or persons didn’t notice. You begin to wonder
if what you did was not good enough. You begin to wonder if your abilities are
good enough. The comparison game kicks in and you start to tally what you don’t
have because you’re focused on someone else’s noticeable, good points. You come
to the conclusion that you’ve fallen short. The cycle begins.
Women are often
overlooked but those who were in authority over them growing up. They are
overlooked by the busy father who didn’t take out time to do daddy/daughter
dates and tell them that they’re beautiful.
Some didn’t see the
right treatment of their mother because their father’s focus was more on making
money. No matter how hard their mom tried, their father didn’t notice or didn’t
acknowledge the mom’s efforts or when she got dolled up for him. They young
girl believes this to be the norm, so they bring it into adulthood only to find
that the sting of being overlooked hurt more than they anticipated or thought
they were accustomed to.
As a young child
enters into her pre-teens and teens, there is a need of validations and
affirmations from her main, male figures. She begins to notice that there is a
pattern of being overlooked by teachers, peers called friends and even
siblings. At times, she wasn’t picked to go certain places, play certain games
or participate in certain events. She was left out, either intentionally or
because nobody noticed she wanted to be part of the group. No one knew that she
wanted so badly to fit in but she felt the deep ripple effects of it. Inside
she believed that she did not add value and with that, she began to create a
barrier, a mechanism that would protect her from feeling rejected…all because
she was overlooked.
Unbeknownst to her
main, adult-authorities, a chasm began to form in the innermost part of her being.
Her soul began to disengage but the hunger to connect and be significant began
to grow. Thus the need for outside validation began to grow. Her value began to
chip away as the cycle and pattern continued to intensify through boyfriends
and bad break ups. (Sometimes I wonder why we call it bad break ups. I’ve never
seen a good one.) The boyfriend didn’t notice how pretty she looked after she
spent so much time doing her hair or make up. He didn’t notice what she wore
unless it was low cut or short. A new unhealthy correlation begins to emerge.
She begins to equate attention with how she dresses. Although at first it
annoys her, the attention she gets is intoxicating because she never received
it from her authoritative male figure during her childhood years. And so the
cycle continues to increase, chasm begins to deepen and her sense of value
begins to erode.
There are three areas
in a woman’s life where the absence of validation and affirmation causes a
domino effect. These three areas are emotional, social and spiritual. You may
wonder why I didn’t mention the physical. The physical usually displays the
scars that are visible to her and others. They show up in depression, weight gain,
promiscuity, self-loathing…the list is long. The inner scars are invisible to
the outside and often not recognized by the overlooked woman. She believes she
is living the norm, when in reality her actions, her lifestyle, what she
expects and gives are being driven by the unseen to others, as well as to
herself.
For the next few
weeks, I will be unpacking this via my blog posts. I hope you join me in this
journey of reversing the cycle of bondage that being overlooked may have
created in your life. It’s time to be free.
