What Do You Bring to the Table?

When asked if you love someone, our instinctive reaction is to think about how someone makes us feel. We let memories that forged those feelings captivate our mind. We can actually smell their cologne, feel their last kiss and get all mushy inside. Although our initial thought was based on what we felt, we all get to a point where we understand and know that it’s more than that. It’s a verb. It is the constant action that gives validation to the words…I love you.

Unfortunately the expression, “I love you” has come across as empty words for many women. They heard these precious words but were shown quite the opposite. Many have suffered neglect and emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse or were enablers to men who never grow up and are still boys. Regrettably, a lot of our gals have not learned their value and believe that they don’t deserve a man that should treat them like a queen.

What does it mean to be treated as a queen? It means waiting for a man that will treat you with respect and honor that will support and complement you as an individual. It doesn’t mean that when you do find that man, you claim the right to maintain your broom lady persona with the pointy hat. Our mentality has been ‘I will not get burned again’ and so all men ( the ones that live with us, the ones that are dating us, the ones that will date us, even the ones who are consider dating us) are subject to our wicked wrath.

Perhaps if we’d invest more of our love affair with God, a lot of us would not continue to feel this way. You see your love affair with God will determine the thermostat of your most intimate relationship.

So the question is do you love God? I mean do you really love God; not just lip service.

Let’s start with why it is important to a man that you love God. The top reason for a man is because he wants to be with someone that is not afraid to receive love and respects him. I can see some of you cringing at the word respect because you’re thinking ‘I don’t need another daddy’. Let’s define the word respect. It’s a feeling of admiration, thoughtfulness or esteem towards someone. I think that is doable don’t you?

So how can a woman meet a man’s need to give love and receive respect? Well here’s the answer.

The ‘Does She Love God’ Age-Old Theory

Girl has relationship with God because…

Girl responded to God’s love, then…

Girl grows to love God, and…

Girl understands God’s love so…

Girl craves to be more like God, then…

Girl lives to reflect God’s love, and wala…

Girl is able to respect the way God commanded.

Yes you read the last bullet right. You see in the bible it was very clear. God said to man love your lady but he said to us gals, respect your man. Why is that? For the most part, we don’t have a problem with loving, we’re emotional beings. The problem for most tainted women is to receive love and bestow respect to the man who wants to love them. There are many reasons for that, but the one that floats to the top of the list is trust. Quite simply, you do not trust. You do not trust enough to receive love, therefore, you cannot respect, admire, esteem…forget about being thoughtful. What about the need to earn trust? That’s a reasonable question in any relationship and can only be answered by you.

Does your primary relationship include God, love and trust?

You see when you love God, really love God, the hardest decision you will make it to trust Him. I’ve heard some women say, it’s not hard to trust God…He loves me no matter what. That is a fact that most know and acknowledge but they live however they like. Imagine being in a relationship saying you love someone, but you continue to do things that hurt your significant other. Is that really love?This is where a lot of us miss the mark. We say we love God but our DO doesn’t support it.

When we love God, we understand the importance of surrender. Surrender puts us in a place of trust. However, surrender is not possible unless there’s an intimate relationship. When there’s an intimate relationship, God can unearth all the crappy stuff that we call luggage. He can help us acknowledge the hurts so we can heal or find the help to heal. He releases us from the bondage of low self-esteem because he provides the affirmation, validation and value that we seek as women. He takes it a step further and helps us discover our purpose, is thrilled when we finally walk in our destiny and remains on the sidelines to cheer us on. I even believe (my opinion) that He smiles when we walk like His queens, confident and bold strutting in our black patent-leather stilettos. (Okay maybe minus the 6 inch heels for some of us.)

A woman that knows who she is doesn’t need a man to complete her but welcomes a man that adds or complements her. When you strive to become the woman that God wants you to be, you position yourself to receive your man’s love and you understand the importance and balance that respect brings in that intimate relationship. That is what you bring to the table.

You will never know the depth of you, the potential within you or your uniqueness on your own. I bet if you think about it, you’ve probably tried everything else and you still come up empty. You look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see.

Don’t lose heart, make a change and start today. Fall in love with the One who loves you unconditionally and wants the very best for you.

Author’s Note:
I encourage you to cultivate and invest into your relationship with God. When you become real with God, He can't help but become real with you.

By the way, if you’ve never received the gift of God’s love for you, now is a good time to consider doing so. This simple prayer will grant that to you. (Lord Jesus I give my life to you; forgive me of my sins.) Yes that simple. Drop me a note. I would love to hear about it.

But I Love You

I feel really bad I haven’t spent enough time with you lately.
           But I love you…

I just can’t keep my head straight. There are so many things going on.
           But I love you…

Yea but it’s just that I don’t exactly do what I’m supposed to do all the time.
          But I love you…

You don’t understand. I just can’t be perfect. I have messed up a lot lately.
         But I love you…

I don’t get it. I’ve been angry with you lately. I’ve even questioned who you are.
         But I love you…

I pause in my misery of wanting to deserve…to earn your acceptance.
         But I love you…

How can you love me?     
         Because…Just Because….

Woman of Your Dreams

The value of a woman is based on who she is in Christ and is exemplified by how she lives. She identifies herself by God’s standards and is not trapped by society’s expectations. There is no shortfall in her undertakings because all she does is in excellence.

Perhaps you’re wondering if such a woman walks this earth and you would like to meet her. Shake your own hand. You’ve just met her…that person is you.

Often times we have the tendency to focus on the negative in our lives, even though all of us brim with goodness, especially towards those we love. Everyday, we overflow into someone’s life, intentionally and unintentionally. Women are the heart of any home. Whether we’re married or single, our nurturing-instinct causes us to reach out to anyone in need. We’ll bandage a scraped knee with the same care of that of a wounded heart. Women give even when there’s nothing left inside to give.

We do not give ourselves enough credit when credit is due and deserved. We lock ourselves into the next task, the next activity, the next event and continue our quest to meet any demand or challenge. We are the super women of today. We can do it all…or can we?

So many of us crack inside and continue to push. We’re exhausted, discouraged and feel unappreciated. We victimize ourselves and put the blame of our condition on our spouses, family, and any other person or organization we support. We become resentful and our attitude takes a quick spiral downward.

Why is it that we, as women, have such a hard time saying NO?
God did not call us to be a slave to anything or anyone. Yet we position ourselves again and again to chain ourselves to things and people. We plan poorly and somehow miraculously expect that the 24-hour day will become 38 so that we can fit all we have to do in one day. A lot of us are intoxicated with the multitask power we possess but accomplish little or nothing because of our overloaded schedules.

So how do we change this madness?
Look at the strong, older women in your life. What do you notice? They walk with poise, are never in a rush and are always smiling. They’re wells of wisdom, have earned the patience award and have mastered the gift of discernment. They are the matriarchs and pillars of their home, church and community. These women walk in their purpose; they live in the reality of their destiny and will do it unapologetically. Ask any woman how they reached this higher-level experience and they will probably tell you that they discovered who they are in Christ.

How do you discover who you are in Christ?
It’s in relationship. It’s in the love-relationship. When we make Christ the first lover of our lives, things change. The veil is lifted from our eyes and all the misconceptions that we have been taught or have convinced ourselves as right is exposed. We understand that we can do all things but that we must plan with wisdom. We discover that we deserve to receive love, to be treated as a queen, and that we were not created to be a punching bag or a recipient of verbal or emotional abuse. We realize the authority that we possess and we begin to live our dreams and, in doing so, we set the example for our up and coming generation of girls. We live, breathe and impart joy because we refuse to live as victims but exercise the freedom given to us as a gift, and we share that discovery. We become women who strive for excellence in all we do, because we’ve decided to believe what the Word says and not what the norm is.

Close your eyes for just one moment and picture yourself as the woman you want to be and become. Once you set your sight on her, make her your constant and daily companion. Invite her into your day dreams.

Dreams are powerful especially if repeated in one’s mind. It provides the motivation, the map and expectation. It unlocks the power to bring creativity into reality. Women are incredible beings but haven chosen to believe the lies the enemy has carefully crafted.

There’s an army rising up of strong women who have accepted their position and rightful-rank within God’s army. They’ve learned to say no on occasion. They’ve learned to plan, to care for themselves, but more importantly…they’ve learned to pour their love into God first.

Don’t miss your opportunity for this lifetime. Be happy. Be fulfilled. Be the woman that you are supposed to be. Start now. Do it today. You will never be the woman you should be, until you believe in the woman of your dreams. 




This article is dedicated in honor and memory of Elder Syria Brown.

The Value of a Man

There are so many articles, books, and magazines that have taken male bashing to an all-time level of normality, and have redefined “the who” a man supposedly is based on today’s terms. Our girls are growing up reading that in general, men are not to be depended on or respected as a valuable counterpart. If anything, a woman is encouraged to take care of herself and protect herself from being subjected by the man. It is drilled into a woman’s head from a very early age that a man will never see her as equal in any area of life. Although this may hold true or may describe some men, it does not define all.

Drawing the Line
Where do we draw the line? Did we ever stop to think that in knocking men we are actually reinforcing negative behavior in our upcoming generation? In comparison to the negative input from all mediums, how many times have we’ve uplifted the male side from a woman’s point of view?

It is wrong for any of us to think that for every bad guy that’s present in our world today, there are no good ones. Yet we concentrate on only the bad and at a bare minimum the good. We label men as being all the same, yet get irritated when we are also branded in that “same” category. Reality is none of us are the same, and all of us are unique. We all have the ability of contributing positive towards either gender. The problem we’re running into is that we have all become comfortable with playing the game of male vs. female or vice versa. It shows itself in all areas of life, and is unfortunately strengthened by the same people who want to see it go away.

How do we strengthen it? We assume a lot; we don’t ask questions and if we do it’s the wrong questions; or we’ve already made up our minds that something is the way it is even if the other person(s) says otherwise. Why does this happen? We as a society thrive on building on history, the past, and have a hard time creating a new story. We hold ourselves to what was and become afraid of what can be. Can you and should you negate history. No we cannot and should not. It is history that has brought us to where we are today (as my sister Myra would say). However, the past can also hinder us from moving forward when we maintain or remain in the victim or subjugated role.

Finding Balance
For every offense there should be a counteracting defense. For every roar of male bashing there should be an equal shout of praise. Every time our girls are exposed to the negative, it should be balanced out with the positive that men can provide. We must remember that they will be mothers one day and it is so important that they instill in their boys and girls the importance of the male role in all levels of life. They should be canceling out any reinforcement of the negative views that society has placed because of a few bad eggs.

We, as women, should be encouraging, respectful, and loving to our partners because our girls and boys learn by example. Our children are not only the kids we have at home, but also include any that look up to us (our nieces, nephews, grandchildren, girl/boy scouts, etc.). For every shout out we make to our women, we should equally send something out that praise our men.

It’s so easy to get caught up on what our partners don’t do; how long it took him to do something; and pick and focus on every bad quality they may have. Let’s admit it we’re all guilty of this at one time or another, no matter what gender. However, for us women it’s so much harder for some quirky reason to just say thank you, and not want to add, even though it took you five months to get to it.

Positive Defense
We as women feel the need and are weighed with the responsibility of pointing out and making known that we are not treated equally. Yet, we do not take the onus or ignore the accountability we have in contributing to it. Our mistreatment in the workforce or in society should not be taken into our home in an offensive manner. We forget that our greatest influence is in our inner circle and that within that sphere, we have great and powerful allies who happen to be men. Sometimes we kill our own influence within our circle because of our derogatory ways.

Imagine what life would be if we all used our persuasion as a positive defense. What is positive defense? It is when you can get someone to empathize, gain better understanding, of a negative situation that needs to be turned around. Our circle of influence begins at home and with all those within our circles. Sometimes we get so hung up on solving world hunger that we forget that we can be an impact within our own village.

A Rising Generation
We prepare and determine what the views of our next generation will be. We can choose to continue being bitter, or we can change those feelings and fuel them into teaching others what those negatives views and actions do to our daughters, sisters, wives, mothers which in turn also hurt our sons, brothers, husbands and fathers. However, teaching what it does is not enough. Reinforcing positive behaviors in both genders must go hand in hand. If it doesn’t, it’s like showing the wound but not healing it.

We have a rising generation of men, not all but quite a few, who are trying their best to incorporate the importance of integrity and their responsibility within their role as a man in their home. As much as we as women have tried to prove that we can do it all, it is so imperative that we allow men to be what God has called them to be. Why is that vital? There are fundamentals that none of us can undo.

A girl needs her daddy because he is the first man she’ll know of that will provide validation, a sense of security, and of love. Do we have that in all homes today? We all know that is not happening, but how many of us have good fathers in the home and downplay their role thus creating insecure young women who feel the need to go outside of the home for some loving?

Let’s look at the flip side. Boys need their daddies also. It’s so important for men to instill in the younger generation the sense of responsibility for taking their place in the care of their home. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to care for his woman. Hello it should be that way. Women should be treated as queens. However, some women are so hell bent on making it known they don’t need a man and view it as a way of life for all. I believe all women should be equipped with being able to take care of themselves. I am a proponent of it and drill that into my own girls because of the possibility of death or divorce. No woman should be unprepared. However, the stance of not needing a man, ever, cheats a woman of the richness of partnering with a man who wants to love her in every way he knows how and that includes in the caring for her. Ever wonder why we have so many men who don’t know how to be fathers? It’s not only because of the absence of the father. It is also because of the women who didn’t think it important to find men who can mentor their boys. The result is a man who was ingrained with the thought that a woman doesn’t need him around to raise a baby.

The Value of a Man
We cannot ignore that we have created societies and homes that are broken and need fixing. The fixing has to start with all of us on the individual level. When we are tempted to talk or act badly, we need to become conscientious of those around us, those we influence. The value of a man, the value of your man, the value of the men in your life is portrayed in many different ways. Although it’s their responsibility to live up to, and own their role in life the best way they know how, it is up to us to reinforce the good and make them aware of what hurts us. Not in a derogatory way, but in positive defense. Girls we balance each other out. They’re not perfect and we’re not perfect, but it’s not about who’s better or who’s right. It’s about maintaining the value of each of our roles so that the next generation begins the healing process for repairing the gap between the genders.

This article is dedicated as a shout out to all the men of positive influence in my life; my husband, father, brothers that are also in some cases closest cousins and in-laws, pastors, and friends who have taken the time to put love into action by supporting the women in their lives.

The Italian Gal Next Door

There was this girl named Angie that I met this weekend that reminded of the Italian gal next door.

Actually her name is Kathy Troccoli and she quite honestly took me by surprise. To me she was this Christian artist whose songs I loved and sang in my teen and young adult years and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I ever would meet her. Fast forward 30 plus years and I discover that she’s the Italian gal next door. I will get to the Angie part in a few.

We hosted our first national women’s conference and I was a bit nervous. It wasn’t just an in-house event and we were partnering with a seasoned team. I didn’t want them to be disappointed. As their team began to trickle in on Thursday, I noticed a definite pattern. These gals were lovely in all sense of the word. When Kathy finally arrived on Friday evening, I was greeted with a hug. I thought “okay that was nice of her” but immediately took to her as we talked for a bit. After service, she walked into the mall area and I was off to the side talking to one of our gals, and she grabbed my arm, asked if I liked Angie, and hugged me again. Now I’m starting to be really disarmed. I’m beginning to wonder, who is this woman?

The next morning, I head towards my husband’s office and there she is again, the Italian next door, but this time she hugs me and doesn’t let go. Now I’m done. There’s an unexplained connection forming and I start blabbering to her what I’ve been going through. Not only does she not dismiss me, she pulls in real close, looks into my eyes and it hits me…she really cares. I mean she genuinely cares. She’s not Kathy Troccoli, untouchable Christian artist whose life mission is only to sing. There’s so much more to her.

In the past Kathy was just one of those figures who helped formed my life through her music. People don’t realize how music has deep influence. The song Stubborn Love had become my mantra and I sang it on many occasions to others because I got what she was singing, communicating and inspiring others to believe. Here is Kathy again, but this time, and I was thrilled to see, she jumped into other ventures and opportunities to share her gifts. She writes, she speaks, she’s an extremely talented communicator but all those things are enhanced because she’s “real”. She is transparent, she shares her stories and she doesn’t cut out the ugly stuff. There is no fluff, no pretense. Women can relate and relate deeply.

I watched her closely as she ministered to my girls. I call them mine because I’ve fallen in love with the women in my church. They’re my family. I noticed that she treated them like family. She pays attention to them when they’re talking to her. She doesn’t rush any of them off. She welcomes boob to boob hugs (that is what she calls it). I understand her heart and it breaks mine in a good way.

This weekend she answered a lot of my questions that have been swirling in my head. She quieted a lot of doubts and she reminded me about the kisses from heaven that I have been receiving lately. As she moves on to expand her ministry even further in obedience to what God has called her to do, I will do the same and perhaps one day I will sit with the Italian gal next door over a cup or five of coffee to swap stories good, bad and ugly if need be and it will be okay. She makes me feel safe but isn’t that what all of us should be doing with our sisters? If she can do it, then all of us can.

Now about Angie…Kathy Troccoli will be doing a one-woman show soon and it is well-worth the time to go out and see her when she kicks it off. By the way it’s well-worth the time, actually it’s a great investment of your time to make it a point to attend any of her conferences or concerts. You will come back refreshed and full of hope…because Hope’s Alive.

Thank you Kathy…

Are You a Paulette

Jane Doe
How many women do you know, who do not recognize their value, who downplay their worth and who lower their expectations? Women, who accept poor treatment, settle for less, and do not voice their heart, their wants or needs? Women, who have become the Jane Does’ of this world? For those of you who are not familiar with the term, Jane Doe is a female that has no identity; alive or dead. Basically, she is an unknown. No one knows her name, where she is from, where she belongs, or how she got to her present location.

Jane Doe, however, can also be one of us. In our version, she is the woman that likes to blend in and her goal is to become invisible. She likes to disappear in the crowd and loves that she is not noticed. What confounds our Jane’s identity, is that this same woman can also be selfless, dedicated, is full of love and even knows what it means to serve. Unfortunately, her abilities remain a secret because she works from the safety of her confines, as she gladly and purposely mixes into the culture of home, school, work, church and/or community.

Yes, Jane Doe is the gal who loves her comfort zone. Her routine provides security and contentment in her autopilot life of go with the flow. Sounds marvelous and perhaps for many it is. However, we were not placed on this earth to be a marvelous Jane. We are here to be a Paulette.

Are you a Paulette?
We often wonder why the girls in our society have self-esteem and confidence issues, but we fail to see how we have contributed to the problem. We’d rather be a Jane and let celebrities be role models. We’d rather be a Jane and let magazines fill their minds with information that challenges their ego. We even choose to be a Jane and let technology provide knowledge without the wisdom of experience.

By now you must wonder what it means to be a Paulette. Well, back in the day, the apostle Paul had the audacity to tell folks to imitate him. He was able to do that because he knew who he was and had a solid, belief-system. He was completely sold-out and passionate about the way he lived. He obviously had a particularly high confidence level to be able to make that type of statement. One can even go as far to say that he was cocky. However, the truth is that he understood the importance of mentorship, and the responsibility to be a role model to others.

Today’s Paulette

We are in a day and age where our girls need more ladies to step up and become a Paulette. They need confident women to rise up and live by example. They need to see what it means to walk and act in an assured manner. Their inner circles need to be enriched with women whose strengths are seen in their home, work, church and or community, as well as behind the scenes. They need to be surrounded by women who are movers and shakers that make things happen.

It is time that we take on the responsibility to mentor our present and younger generation into greatness. We owe it to all the gals who crave for “real” female, role models. Being a role model doesn’t require that you be ever present, however, the acceptance of that role should make you aware that your actions should speak loudly from now on. You become conscious that your standards are now higher because you want to be emulated. You understand that the power of your spoken words can provide guidance and has the potential to become a springboard for other’s futures.


Photography by April Dawn Winsley http://aprildawnwinsley.com

When we undermine our value, and downplay what we have to offer, we become and produce a Jane. Are you a goldmine of experience and wisdom but have taken on the last name of Doe? If this is you, know that the hearts of many silently wait for you to come of out of your unknown.

Don’t be afraid. Be a Paulette and let your life shout out, “imitate me,” and let’s show our girls our combined strengths and how great life can really be.

Never Forgotten

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by love? Your chest feels like it’s going to explode and you experience intense joy. Remember what it was like for you to hear the words “I love you” for the first time? You floated for days and the world’s beauty was laid out before you like a garden in full bloom. Just when you thought it could not get any better, you are surprised, yet again, when years later baby arrives. Life was never the same. You found a new type of love.

Those who are parents discover that the love experience intensifies and takes on new meaning when it is unconditional. Nothing compares to the moment when your little boy or girl learns the true significance of love. They throw themselves into your arms, hug you tightly, and in a heart-felt voice say “I wuv ya”. Your heart becomes putty, and your world begins to revolve around them. They make wishes and you grant them. It doesn’t matter what mess or mistake the little princess or prince has made, if they ask, generally, they will get.

Imagine this unconditional love in the spiritual realm. People lose out on God’s unconditional love because they refuse to believe or have relationship with Him. They equate Him to some powerful being whose sole purpose is to judge and punish. The reality is that no matter what people believe God’s truth remains. He loves us all (no matter what we have done). He loves us so much he sent His only Son to die for our sins. He gave us free will to choose to accept of reject His gift of love. AND, He loves us despite of our choice.

Although God has been forgotten in today’s culture, God has chosen never to forget any of us. He knows our name. Can you grasp that? Out of the billions of people, you are known, are unconditionally-loved and thought of by the God of the universe.

He knew you before you were born.
He knows how many hairs are on your head.
You were wonderfully made –created in His image.

Even if you choose to ignore or forget –
You… will never… be forgotten.