Brush It Off Like Dandruff

Brush it Off like Dandruff

Let’s face it, we’ve all have had dandruff at one point or another in our lives. When we see it, we get annoyed and brush it off. Notice I said…when. You don’t often see it if you’re wearing light-colored clothing, but you can spot it immediately if you’re wearing dark-colored clothing, especially black. The worst is when someone points it out to you, or starts brushing it off for you! It’s the making for an awkward, embarrassing or annoying moment.

Sometimes you hear family, friends or even coworkers say, “Brush it off” and find yourself biting your tongue and having all sorts of colorful thoughts in your mind. You’re smiling now because you know what I’m saying is true.

Well imagine if you were in the middle of going through something relatively hard and you heard the Holy Spirit tell you, “Brush it off like Dandruff.” What would your reaction be? You’d probably say to yourself, I’m hearing things; God has an incredible sense of humor; or what the heck???? Which would you choose? You would probably choose the latter.

So indulge me for just a moment and just imagine you heard the words “Brush it off like dandruff” and read on and find out what that would mean to you.

Many of us are immersed in stress as the norm because we entertain negative thoughts of what may be that never happens. Imagine that your mind has shoulders. (I know weird-looking brain.) The shoulders are shelves where you put stuff on. That stuff represents things like doubt, fear, worry which (by the way) rolls up as stress.

The stuff on your shoulders starts out like small flakes. You can’t see it when death is forming in your brain because it’s hidden well. (Remember dandruff is dead skin – yuck!) Once it becomes uncomfortable (itchy), it begins to come off as flakes. At first, it’s ignored because everybody thinks that way (you know, negative thoughts) and the flakes are minimal.

You don’t notice at first (because of the light clothes), but eventually it shows up (on your dark clothes) as dark moods, sad thoughts, worry, unbelief, stress, etc. It becomes extremely apparent not only to you, but to others as well.

When you brush off dandruff, you don’t usually do it with a gentle gesture. As a matter of fact, if it increases your brushing becomes an annoyed clearing of those pesky flakes.

Life’s hindrances are just like dandruff and only you can clear out any of the negatives that have perched on your mind’s shoulders.

So here comes the friend or the (not-so-shy stranger) that may point it out from time to time. Instead of getting angry, you should be grateful. Those flakes are so unbecoming and are an apparent indicator that there’s an underlying problem that you are not fixing.

So, imagine if you heard those same words, “Brush it off like dandruff” when it comes to unbelief. Hmmm…that would be another great area to dive into. (To be continued…)

Abandon the Abandonment

When we think of abandonment, we often feel the sting for the other person because we probably know the sting ourselves. It may have been because we experienced it.

We abandon all sorts of ideas but we never look at it as abandonment. Then there is also the abandonment of self, where we totally immerse ourselves into someone or something. Although abandonment has many definitions, it’s often associated with the negative. It is usually the explanation of someone leaving their responsibilities. It creates hurt and unanswered questions. The wounded party often wonders…why?

Abandonment, if not explored, can be the breeding ground of distrust, resentment that can become bitterness, and the ongoing feeling of loneliness even in a crowded room. Why explore, you may wonder? Whatever you don’t question, will haunt you. The answer may never come, but then there’s a decision to be made. Do you continue to ask the why, or do you make peace with not knowing? It’s an individual journey, with individual decisions.

When my husband’s father became ill, the decision to treat him with love and respect was difficult in the beginning, but we knew it was a God-mandate. Here was the man that abandoned his sons, and didn’t actively look for them afterwards. To many outsiders, it looked like he washed his hands of his past. It no longer existed. Unfortunately that spilled over to his grandchildren, and my daughters experienced very little of their grandfather.

Forgiveness

My husband chose to forgive him, but he struggled from time to time on how a father could abandon his children. His way of not holding on to resentment or any of the ugly stuff that can come along with that experience, was to be the best dad he could be. He tried his hardest to be the opposite of what his father was.

During the time that we cared for my father-in-law, we discovered many things about him. You can say that the scales came off our eyes as we witnessed the truth of who he was. It broke both of our hearts and helped my husband heal completely as he served his father…who did not deserve kindness, but was granted it anyway.

Sometimes we don’t understand why people do certain things, how they could abandon their children, or why strayed so far, but God knows. I believe that’s why He asks us to love one another. It’s a hard ask at times, but He understands the human heart, the human condition, the fact that we miss the mark a lot. We tend to judge harshly but don’t want to be judged ourselves, cause let’s face it, we’re perfect. We make no mistakes. Yet there are times where our glass house can be easily shattered due to our temporary/momentary hypocrisy. This is where love covers a multitude of sins.

When God commanded us to forgive, it was because he knew there was healing in forgiveness, not only for the offender but most importantly, for the one offended. The greatest gift that Rich’s dad received before he left this earth was family…the love of our family that was unconditional. It was not because we are saints. It’s because we chose to honor God first and foremost, and we live by a rule in our extended family that we keep to. “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and everything is small.”

 A lot of times, we want the justification of being right. We want that pat on the shoulder, the camaraderie of acceptance but that’s not always the path to healing. Going against the grain and being the lone person that sings to a different tune is usually the one that makes the difference; the one who promotes healing and well-being.  

Just because everyone is in agreement for a seemingly good cause, doesn’t mean that their motives are right or even pleasing to heaven. We live in a world where the bible is no longer the standard and only feeling is the guide. That can get anyone in trouble because God’s not interested in opinions. He’s looking for obedience because obedience is what turns the tides.

Abandon the Abandonment

Abandonment can be a devastating experience, but God’s healing is ever greater. I challenge you to try God, I mean really try God. Be brutally honest with Him about what you’re feeling, but be ready to abandon the abandonment. What that means is that you will be faced with the choice to hold on to the feelings, or release it and bind God’s love to your soul. You may have to say “I release (fill in the blank) and I bind God’s love to my soul” 1,000x in a day for days, but know that God heals. He sent Jesus to restore you completely and make you whole again.

In Luke and Isaiah, it says that Jesus came to give freedom to the brokenhearted. If that is a truth that has become your truth, then your next choice is to believe.

What is a Sofon?

"He's a sofon Julie!" she screamed in frustration. "What?" Anna replied. "A sofon! You know like those big garbage cans in the projects that are filled with newspapers to burn for heat." 

Anna stared at her with a perplexed look on her face. "Anna, he's like that garbage can." Anna's brows began to knit together as she frowned. Her lips began to form a pout. 

"Don't look at me like that. You know it's true. As long as you feed into him, give him what he wants, he will burn for you and give you the affection you need. But, the minute you stop, he's like a sofon. If you don't keep lighting it up, eventually it will die out. And in case it's not obvious to you, a sofon always contains it's flame to one place. Girl you want a man whose a forest fire! You want him loose...to go everywhere...unconstrained. That's what true love is like. The man that loves you wants to be part of your family. He wants to meet your friends and most importantly, he loves you and looks for you!" 

Anna's anger grew with every word coming out of Julie's mouth. She spat vehemently, "You don't understand. He pays attention to me unlike Eric who never used to. You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know what it's like to have someone who finally cares and pays attention to me!" 

Julie thought for a moment and chose her words carefully, "But at what cost Anna?"

Perhaps you know someone like Anna or perhaps you were Anna. You were in a relationship where you were mistreated, you switched over into a new relationship and found yourself on the unbalanced side of giving, and giving and giving...again. 

Women, as nurturers, tend to naturally lean towards being all her man wants her to be. However, when the cost compromises her emotionally, socially and spiritually, she often misses her flag, her warning that she may be in a sofon relationship. The relationship is contained and remains within a happy balance as long as she's giving certain things, his way, most of the time. 

Why do women get caught up into an emotional sofon? Find out more next week. 

Overlooked Series: Introduction

Overlooked…have you ever felt that way? You know, like when somebody didn’t notice something you did...like how you changed your hair, are dressed up to the nines or perhaps how much you do. Often we equate that to rejection. We feel rejected. We feel neglected. Worst of all, we feel forgotten.

When something you put effort into is not recognized, it can put you into a tailspin of doubt. You begin to question why the person or persons didn’t notice. You begin to wonder if what you did was not good enough. You begin to wonder if your abilities are good enough. The comparison game kicks in and you start to tally what you don’t have because you’re focused on someone else’s noticeable, good points. You come to the conclusion that you’ve fallen short. The cycle begins.

Women are often overlooked but those who were in authority over them growing up. They are overlooked by the busy father who didn’t take out time to do daddy/daughter dates and tell them that they’re beautiful.

Some didn’t see the right treatment of their mother because their father’s focus was more on making money. No matter how hard their mom tried, their father didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge the mom’s efforts or when she got dolled up for him. They young girl believes this to be the norm, so they bring it into adulthood only to find that the sting of being overlooked hurt more than they anticipated or thought they were accustomed to.

As a young child enters into her pre-teens and teens, there is a need of validations and affirmations from her main, male figures. She begins to notice that there is a pattern of being overlooked by teachers, peers called friends and even siblings. At times, she wasn’t picked to go certain places, play certain games or participate in certain events. She was left out, either intentionally or because nobody noticed she wanted to be part of the group. No one knew that she wanted so badly to fit in but she felt the deep ripple effects of it. Inside she believed that she did not add value and with that, she began to create a barrier, a mechanism that would protect her from feeling rejected…all because she was overlooked.

Unbeknownst to her main, adult-authorities, a chasm began to form in the innermost part of her being. Her soul began to disengage but the hunger to connect and be significant began to grow. Thus the need for outside validation began to grow. Her value began to chip away as the cycle and pattern continued to intensify through boyfriends and bad break ups. (Sometimes I wonder why we call it bad break ups. I’ve never seen a good one.) The boyfriend didn’t notice how pretty she looked after she spent so much time doing her hair or make up. He didn’t notice what she wore unless it was low cut or short. A new unhealthy correlation begins to emerge. She begins to equate attention with how she dresses. Although at first it annoys her, the attention she gets is intoxicating because she never received it from her authoritative male figure during her childhood years. And so the cycle continues to increase, chasm begins to deepen and her sense of value begins to erode.

There are three areas in a woman’s life where the absence of validation and affirmation causes a domino effect. These three areas are emotional, social and spiritual. You may wonder why I didn’t mention the physical. The physical usually displays the scars that are visible to her and others. They show up in depression, weight gain, promiscuity, self-loathing…the list is long. The inner scars are invisible to the outside and often not recognized by the overlooked woman. She believes she is living the norm, when in reality her actions, her lifestyle, what she expects and gives are being driven by the unseen to others, as well as to herself.

For the next few weeks, I will be unpacking this via my blog posts. I hope you join me in this journey of reversing the cycle of bondage that being overlooked may have created in your life. It’s time to be free. 

What is Your Motivation?

I was listening to John Bevere about the white throne judgement and the one thing that stood out was the 
question, “What is your motivation?”

Motivation determines whether you’re acting as God’s agent in love and with compassion, or if your do is based on selfish ambitions or pursuits.

Those pursuits may look like justifications that make you feel accomplished but are contrary to what is expected of you in a higher realm. Each of us have a calling, a purpose to fulfill.  You bring something to the table and your delivery is what makes it count here and in eternity.

What is your motivation? It’s the question that I remind myself to ask over and over again. Is this what Daddy wants me to do now? Am I in my lane? Am I staying on my course? Again what is my...what is your motivation? Does love guide?

Ask yourself, “Does...love...guide...me?”