I decided to do something a bit different in my last post and opened a discussion to women in Facebook entitled Ladies Let Your Man be a Man. The discussion began with the statement that many times we are guilty of not letting our man be a man. We hinder, ridicule, pester and nag them (to name a few things). Then we wonder why they don’t step up to the plate and BE A MAN when they need to.
Here is a summary of the discussion.
The Extremes
One of the biggest challenges is to find the middle ground. In the quest to do so, we often experience the extremes. Let me give you an example that one of the girls used. She let her man be a man by letting him do all the guy things guys like to do, but thought that he would know she needed help. The result was that he didn't help because she didn't ask. This would frustrate her to the point of volcanic eruption which in turn would make him shut down.
Here’s where some of us fall off the boat and I include myself. We experience one extreme and accept that it will be the norm and do not make the correct adjustments to bring balance to the relationship.
Expectations
When we first meet our significant other, we swear that they know all our wants and needs because basically they meet them all. The dating and first married months are a bliss but then reality roles in and the prince gains a few pounds, loses a few hairs, begins to belch and fart and well you get the picture.
We come to the conclusion that over the years, men in general should understand how we feel since they know that we are wired different. The problem with that is that it sets us up to have certain expectations that are never met. I am one of the ones who whole heartedly believed that until the day that I had a harsh reality check. Years into my marriage I realized my husband had no clue about my expectations. As a matter of fact he was way off even though just like one of the gals shared, I had spoken clearly over and over again about what I wanted. (Okay at least I felt that way.)
Communication
The problem in my case, and that of many others, is not that we lack words. What we lack is the finesse of delivery. We know how to speak our minds but do one or all of the following.
- We say something and get pissed off because we don’t get the right response because we were pissy when we said it.
- We shut up because we’re tired of repeating ourselves.
- We continue to shut up and don’t say anything until we get so pissed off that we just let it all out.
And so the vicious cycle continues where in our head we feel we’ve stated what’s on our mind and that’s our truth. But, we don’t realize the man has not heard a word because he has shut us down and out.
The Balance
Here is where I still struggle…yes I am admitting it. Just like any other woman, I can be sweet as pie but when the hormones fluctuate – ummmm I can be a bit crabby. If you don’t believe it ask the hubs!
Change is inevitable in the relationship. Life happens and what defines it along the way is our reactions. It’s easier to sweep things under the rug then to sit and discuss – not yell – discuss it as adults – not children. Everyone has the tendency to want to get their point across when they’re angry and feel they are right. However, when that happens the ears are not listening because the brain is plotting the next point to be delivered.
There is the need for constant balance in all areas but especially in communication. You can be speaking clearly but if the environment is often hostile, the message is not being delivered.
Work
The Relationship works when you continuously work on it. It’s not because you feel like it. It’s because you have to. Because if you don’t it will die.
One of the gals pointed out that often we forget or do not realize that to have a healthy relationship with another human being it takes a lot of work. There are hormones, outside influences, change, spirituality and many other things to factor in. With all these things to contend with, love doesn’t always sit in the forefront. Those who are seasoned often discover that the feeling isn’t always there. Here is where the cross road occurs that determines whether to quit or work on a relationship.
So what does all this has to do about Letting Your Man be a Man…everything! Let me explain.
We as women often asphyxiate on what our man doesn’t do but we do not pay attention to how we negatively contribute in the relationship. Men are not complex creatures. As a matter of fact they are pretty straight forward. If you tell them exactly what you want without belittling them, they usually respond in a positive manner.
If you treat your man like a king, in words and actions, and he’ll give you the world.
How do I know? I live it every day.
