The Legacy of a Man

The legacy of a man becomes the outward display of his character. Legacy demands that the life of a person be praised when merited. A legacy cannot exist unless there is investment of self into others. One is never remembered by how much they did in the material sense, but by how and where their time was devoted. If their devotion was their job, the reaping will be in the temporary memory at that place. However, if commitment was to a wider audience that included not only family, but also community, the ripple effects will be felt for generations to come.

Being Remembered
When we’re young we don’t worry about forging a legacy because we feel time is ours, but as we grow older we begin to value relationships, especially that of family. As we start to lose those that are dearest to us, those who have begun the next journey, we start to question what spiritual, cultural, and family inheritance, we will leave behind to our children. This is not limited to our own children, but also comprises of extended family and those we’ve extended the privilege of calling kin.

Six of the eight Humphreys

The Loss of a Humphrey’s Patriarch
My father’s family consisted of eight brothers and sisters. They were eight orphans who understood and still foster the importance of maintaining sibling-relationships. For as long as I can remember, they’ve always sought each other out, and showed all of us (my cousins) the meaning of love, support, friendship, and just the act of being family.

My Tio (my uncle) was one of the middle children, and though he went through some rocky times, about 20 years ago he decided to turn his life around. Most people would say he found religion, he found Jesus. However, I like thinking that what made his find so much more precious was that he knew how important connection was, and he just transposed what he already had with his siblings to his walk with God.

God quickly became his new best friend, and in doing so, he understood the significance of making his relationship an overflow experience. We all witnessed the transformation in his life, and with it, all of his family values became exemplified to a wider audience. His sowing ground became his community. He understood that one word, one sentence, or one conversation could change the life of another in such a way that they would never be the same. Yes, my Tio did this time and time again.

What Was His Legacy?
The only word that comes to mind is LOVE. He mimicked his God in everything he did. He loved his wife not only through the day to day, but in illness. He loved his children by giving his all, and letting it spill over to their children by being a grand dad in every way he could. He was the pastor to the hurting, and the encourager to the depressed. Tio was Jesus’ smile to his community and neighbors.

I truly believe that Tio learned to love people for who they are and practiced seeing people through God’s eyes. He was a warrior who took his place in the ranks and ran the course he was supposed to. As he slid sideways out of this life (think surf board), his greatest, concluding-achievement was the ability to say, “I did it God…I loved all…I did what you destined me for.” My Tio lived his life to his fullest.

Honoring the Man
What is expected of us, all of the children, not just Tio’s sons and daughters, but all of Tio’s kids? Shouldn’t we be the Humphreys, a proud and loving family who should continue to foster the importance of relationships?

Absolutely, however, when thinking of all the different levels of bonding, I’m sure my Tio would emphasize that the first and foremost relationship should be with God. He understood that the overflow from that relationship would only strengthen all others bringing our connections to deeper levels.

How can I honor, my Tio, a Humphrey’s patriarch? One day of remembrance, one honor-writing piece will never suffice. T he honoring is in continuing the legacy he so carefully forged in the last few years. Although he embraced his calling and his ministry, he never forgot family. He cherished it and I’m sure he expects no less from us.

Honoring those who have gone before me is a daily action. It is living my destiny, embracing my calling, and being everything that I should be. I know that one day I will see them, him, again, and I want to be able to tell him, “I did it Tio…I did it….Thank you for being one of my inspirations”.

In loving memory of my Tio Miguel Angel Humphreys Herrera

Why Does God Hate Me?

On any given Sunday in our church, new songs are introduced and become the favorite of many. What I find is that often certain songs just stay with me for days and echo in my mind. I hear it so clearly that I catch myself going to youtube and looking up the song so I can hear it yet again and sing along.

Amy, one of the girls at the front line, sings a song that has become one of my favorites. As a matter of fact I’m writing this because all I can hear in my head is this song. I truly don’t mind because the reminder is something I cherish. Unfortunately there are many women that don’t know this truth and the live broken because of it every day. I was reminded of that when I watched Tyler Perry’s “Why did I Get Married?” This movie portrays 4 couples and each face problems that challenge and unfortunately break up most marriages. Towards the end of the movie, there is an emotional recount of one woman’s life for the past 8 months and it goes like this.


She was a heavy woman whose husband fell out of love with her. He was completely insensitive, emotionally abusive and treated her with disdain and ridicule. She prayed that God would change things in her marriage and even told her friends that she asked herself “why does God hate me” when nothing happened. My heart just broke with those words and yes I am one of those who blubber at times along with the character. I guess those words struck a chord because I knew how she felt because quite honestly I’ve felt like that when I’ve been in crisis and there is no answer in sight.

She continues to tell her friends how she was able to basically work on herself and how God turned her life around and gave her a man who loves her for her. She kept repeating how every morning her heart is full of joy.

Movies have to truncate the ugly becoming beautiful for the sake of time. Reality is that the transition takes a while and is very painful and you have to be brave enough to want change and follow through. A lot of times we may feel like this woman “why does God hate me” because the silence may be deafening to our prayers but did you ever stop to think God is waiting for you?

Her change didn’t come until she took action. She had to go through a series of changes to obtain that answered prayer. Let me give you a few examples…

1.She had to stop accepting and believing the abusive behavior towards her. It had nothing to do with size and everything to do with how she viewed herself. Although there is no excuse for the things her husband said and did, she enabled it because of her insecurities. She did not know who she was and how valuable she was.

2. Once she recognized that she was a loveable human being, she wanted to become better in every area of her life. In her case she had the assistance of a man who loved her for her but that doesn’t always happen. Most times, a woman will have friends that will provide that support. We need to learn to soak that up and accept that constructive criticism for the better.

3. She took certain actions. She didn’t like her weight. It made her feel less attractive so she went on a healthy regimen. She did it for her not him and was proud and pleased with the outcome. She changed her environment and who she hung out with. She chose to listen to positive voices and shut out the negative ones.

Many times God can’t answer prayers because we’re not ready for the change. In our present state we enable behaviors from others and within ourselves. If he’d answer, we would undo everything because we are part of the problem.

So what does this have to do with the song that Amy sings going around my head? Well the song is quite the opposite of this woman’s once sentiment. However, after she and I changed, we both discovered that God really loves us and was willing to answer our prayers all along, He was just waiting for us to be willing to change.

I can hear Amy singing again. I wish we had our church’s rendition so you could all hear… How He Loves Us So….It’s an awesome song…

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He is Jealous of Me

Too Arched to Live Out Loud

I have this bad habit of engaging in conversation a lot of times with whomever is around me, whether I am waiting on line, sitting in a waiting room, getting my nails done, etc. Instinctively, the words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop myself and, yes, I am guilty of starting conversations that entice others to jump right in. It’s not done on purpose. My upbringing had a lot to do with it. My siblings and I learned from the best. Both my parents knew how to draw in anyone in their path and still do today. It’s a habit that we all have. I think my siblings are worst or shall I say better than me.

It’s during these types of conversations that you learn so much about the life of others. Sometimes you are reminded how blessed you are. Other times the wisdom that is poured out is undeniable and you walk away awed and inspired. However, lately, I find that there are more and more women who are deeply hurt and haven’t found a way to heal. Their dialogue is stuck in the past and they continue to struggle.

What saddens me is how many people I meet or know that are brimming with potential that haven’t taken the first step or are afraid to. Creativity has been deposited inside of each of us in abundance but if there is no motivation, that art remains silent and hidden. It doesn’t have a chance to shine or proclaim to the world, look how beautiful I am, an example of the awesome design of my God. That gift of creativity, combined with talent, motivation, imagination and the willingness to jump into the path of exploration, gives each and every one of us the opportunity to be great at something. Yes great; not just wonderful but I dare say excellent.

Why is it that so many of us settle for a mediocre or substandard life? Perhaps it is because it is easier to point outside of ourselves and provide excuses for doing or not doing. Unfortunately, in the process many become too arched to live out loud.

What does it mean to be too arched?
It means that you’re too curved in your living. You live in either extreme and have a hard time being balanced. Somewhere along your life, the path got so buckled that you’ve become trapped. You go forward but can’t get enough traction so you kind of slide right back. Sometimes it’s all the way back. Sometimes it’s just a few steps. However if those few steps happen often enough it tends to discourage you and makes you want to give up. You get to the place where you can’t live out loud because there’s nothing to shout about in your life.

Now some of you may feel that being invisible is quite fine. However, God didn’t put you here to blend in. He put each and every one of us to represent a different facet of His image, His being, His likeness. Each of us should stand out in our unique way and our differences should compliment like colors on a magnificent painting.

Jesus made many profound statements throughout His life. One of them resounds in my mind. “I’ve come to give you life and to give it more abundantly”. Yet for some reason, we get so hung up and drag our past like a ball and chain or set it up as a trophy for all to see.

If you are too arched to live out loud then it’s time you drop off the dead weight from your back…

• The negative voices in your head from the past and present
• The man or woman that left you
• The man or woman that abused you
• The disappointment of (fill in the blank)

Straighten out that spine and chin up. Make it a point to make each and every day count. Make a difference and be a difference and influence those around you. Cultivate your gift. If you haven’t discovered what it is, then that’s your mission. Don’t live an arched life a moment longer. Live out Loud!

What Good Do You Possess?

Do you think that some of us fail to see the good in life when we’re experiencing down times? Perhaps we can take it a step further and say that some of us have probably gone through so many low points that we can no longer see any rainbows. The unfortunate reality is that at one time or another we all fail to see the good we already possess.

As I rewrite one of the chapters of my book covering the topic of becoming conscious of the good within, I often wonder how many of us out there have forgotten that no matter how bad things get, there is always something good in our lives. There is always someone who loves and cares for us. Most of us, if not all, have a roof over our heads. We have food on the table and in our fridge. We apparently are among the living or I wouldn’t be writing and you wouldn’t be reading right now.

Where Are You Today?
 I wonder where you are today while reading this. Are you sitting comfortably with your legs tucked under you, or are you sitting rigidly in your seat with your jaw clenched? When was the last time you slowed down your mind long enough to meditate on the things in your life that you should be grateful for? When was the last time you looked up at the beautiful blue sky full of cotton clouds or the incredible twinkling, dark-bowl of the night?

Make A List
I ask you now…what good do you possess? If just for this moment, give yourself a break from pondering on the negative and start listing mentally (or on paper if you so desire) the good stuff. What kind of stuff? Think of the things that put a smile on your face.

Accept Love
Finally remember one thing. No matter where you’re at in life, you are and will always be loved whether you accept it or not. I don’t know about you but being reminded of that warms me up inside. Knowing that there is a God who loves me entirely for me, unconditionally, helps me to keep the layout of life in perspective.

Future Sight

Remember, it’s easier to look down from a mountain then up from the bottom. From the top you can see your surroundings clearly. The bottom only allows for limited vision. Don’t hesitate to climb on up within your thought process by meditating on the good you possess.

Voice Your Gift

Today I watched the Disney film “The Greatest Game Ever Played”. Of course, like most movies like this, the little man ended up being the hero or shall I say the winner in this case. Although everyone in the audience knew that, wanted that, heck expected it to happen, the getting there had a powerful message.

Sometimes in life we let others kill our dreams be it those who we may feel inferior to, or even those we love. When our gifts or are dreams manifest, there are times when we must make the lonely stance of following a path that others may not understand or accept. Some times those dreams can be hindered by past voices that we have not learned to silence. Other times they can come from present influences. Both past and present can hold you back if you choose to believe the lie of you cannot.

Just like the characters in the movie, there are instances where perception can push us to strive to be better. Challenged by that better we can develop the vision to be just as good or surpass it by focusing and doing our best. Too many times we get hung up on comparison and that limits us to others altitude and not our potential.

We all want and need to give voice to our gifts, but it’s up to us whether we will embrace the makings of our future or chose to plainly disbelieve in ourselves.

The Do Over

Kids learn pretty quickly, the significance of the do over, when they start to approach the school age. This usually happens when a parent or an adult figure points out that something was done incorrectly. Sometimes a child triumphs during the do over and sometimes they experience disappointments. What was brought into adulthood by that child was dependent on the harshness of those figures in their younger years, especially during the disappointments.

Those past adult voices are the ones that either encourage us or haunt us. You and I know them well because they creep up from time to time without much effort. They either cheer you on or relentlessly knock you down. Often they’re thought of as our inner dialogue but in reality they’re the byproduct of the voices of the past that infiltrated and adapted to sound like your own. As individuals, we’re supposed to constantly renew the mind…our thoughts and inner dialogue. Some learn to master that in a positive manner, while others have accepted and believed that a do over is not in scope for their lives. They’re just beaten.

I believe that the do over is available to anybody. Some of you may be shaking your head in a very negative manner and perhaps saying not for me. You have probably failed time and again to get out of situations and circumstances that seem beyond your control. You feel stuck, trapped and hopeless. Some of you may even feel like you deserve to be where you’re at because you’re guilt ridden and imprisoned by your past choices. The do over is not an option. You must live your punishment for the rest of your days…or so you think.

A lot of the sadness in this world can be contributed to the lost of hope for a do over. It’s something that is felt as undeserved although it’s an equal opportunity offer to all. The possibility of the do over entices many but few run into the cradle of its arms. Are you wondering why?

The do over is avoided by many because it always beckons one to action – the action of change. It doesn’t encourage doing the same thing the same way to produce the same results. It propels you to do something different to achieve positive results. It pushes you to think outside of the box, cheers you on into the unknown and gives you the courage to shut out the familiar voices. Once there’s momentum, deep down inside you know that you’re headed in the right direction. You accept that you can’t undo the past but you also know that you can create a better future.

It will challenge you to make the tough choice to let go of people who hinder you and will introduce you to others who have discovered the secret of the do over. The do over will put you in a place where you get tired of listening to the voices that tell you that you can’t. In its place you will crave for the voices that will root for you even when the mistake was of your own making.

The do over will always cost you. It will take you out of your comfort zone. It will turn your life upside down. It will make you cry, feel unsure during the journey and will probably stress you out until you have a sure footing again. However, even in the midst of all of that, it will remind you that it’s not the bravest that wins, but the persistent one that gets the prize because the focus is on the desired outcome, not the going through.

So today if you’re faced with the challenge of the do over, don’t get discouraged. It’s a great thing when we’re presented the chance to do it again, a new way.

I confess I don’t like the do over at times, okay a lot of the times…but the experience of past do over wins hands down and I know that in the end it’s all worth it.

I dedicate this to all of you who are in the do over stage. Don’t lose hope. You will not fail! Failure is defined by those who do not try.

For the rest of you, stop living a substandard life, stop blaming yourself, others, the past and God. Take responsibility, buck up and move forward. It’s time.

The opportunity for a do over is here and now. Go for it!

(I love you J – this one is for you.)

Speaking in Authority

We got a text message from a family member from another state ask that we pray for one of kids in the military. My husband immediately asked that we pray and it went something like this.

"Angels I command you to form a hedge of protection around him. You are accountable to Almighty God if any harm comes to him. Lord I ask your mighty hand be upon him … in the name of Jesus."

Needless to say, my eyes flew open and jaw kind of dropped some as my husband said these words with authority.

Religious folks would get their feathers ruffled with these types of prayers…but what I am learning is the example he shows me time after time of understanding our authority in Christ.

There are too many wimpy Christians and that makes our faith look wimpy. If we read the gospels, we see that Christ spoke with authority because he knew who he was. We are supposed to be Christ followers yet we do not know the power that’s within us or the authority that we possess.

Aren’t we supposedly to go boldly before the throne of God? Don’t we have the spirit of God dwelling in us that raised Jesus from the dead? Then why do we pray the wimpy – if it’s your will prayers when we know it is his will already in his word?

Perhaps it’s time we do the word instead of wondering if it will do for us.

Phases

The other day my parents spent the weekend with me and I couldn’t help but notice how much they aged. It wasn’t that it wasn’t apparent, it’s just that I don’t get to see them as often and this was the first time we spent a weekend together in a couple of years. My mom and dad move slower and have a routine that took me by surprise.

I wanted to scream at both of them – YOU CAN’T GET OLD… but I know that this is the cycle that life makes us all go through. Even writing this makes me a little sad. Where is the young and vibrant couple that poured so much into me? I know they are in there somewhere because they continue to work diligently within the community just at a slower pace.

As we get older, we go through different phases in our lives. We are excited when we are about to go into college. When we graduate we’re excited about our new job. As life progresses we meet our partner. We become excited about the wedding and then there are babies. The one phase we try to shut out or keep tucked away is that of our parents aging. Somehow it sneaks up on us.

In this phase I’ve learned to appreciate my parents more than ever. I am blessed with a father that signifies wisdom. His picture should go next to the word wisdom in the dictionary. Okay he’s my dad I can say that. What a wonderful influence he has been over the years to all of us. My mother doesn’t trail behind. I often feel like I will never fill her shoes. Her dedication and love for others is like nothing I have ever seen. I have my own mother Theresa. I’m not kidding. Ask anyone who knows her.

Although this phase will probably usher into a phase I don’t want to dwell on, it is this one that I relish probably the most. We hear many more stories that they probably thought were inappropriate before. A lot of past hurts or misunderstandings were talked through. We laugh hysterically about the funny moments. We have lots of those! There is never a dull moment when the Humphreys clan gets together and my parents have the pleasure of seeing the results of their arduous labor both in and outside our home.

In this phase we kids get the pleasure to care and watch out for them. To thank them for all the great things they’ve done for us. We get to confide in them when no one but a parent understands and to listen even when we hate to. We know most of the time they’re right. They lived our lives almost three times over.

My siblings and our families have learned to embrace this phase and cherish it. Each of us shares with the other those special moments. Those memories are ingrained in our hearts forever. From my sentimental heart, I know that time will slip by and phases will continue. But until then, we’ll continue to make every moment a memory.

Tweaking the Tude

It’s funny how sometimes you hear something and it doesn’t apply to you at the moment because all is well with the world. Two weeks ago my pastor finished a series called “Thanks for What?” and, at the time I was feeling pretty good and grateful. However that changed this past Wednesday when my world was turned a bit upside down.

I was advised that I had a possible assignment starting this Sunday that would require me to fly to Dallas for the next two weeks. My heart sank. Didn’t they know it was the Christmas season and I have two ladies (my pet name for my girls 12 and 16) at home? The assignment would require long hours and only one day off with lots of required learning beforehand. I have to admit that my grateful heart went right out the window and I felt anger and resentment because I was picked. It would interfere with my time with my family, which is what is most important to me, and would throw a major monkey wrench into my decorating and entertainment schedule.

Needless to say, there were two things that began to plague me; worry and an ungrateful attitude. These two things came on even after my husband and I prayed about it. For some reason my anger got the best of me as I felt quite slighted. You see I was the princess. She was always taken care of and even got promoted recently and so I guess she felt a bit untouchable; until now.

This morning when I woke up, I felt the grumbling start and I stopped it, and bless Pastor Frank, I remember the message he had covered. I began this morning’s prayer with, I really don’t like what is being done to me but I thank you that I am blessed and make good money, and have been treated very well. I went down the list and I did begin by mentioning what bothered me and counteracted each and every single one with the good. My prayer ended with thanksgiving for all the good things and people in my life.

Friday is praise day for my writer’s group and one of the gals mentioned that she updated her blog with the direction that God was leading her. While I was reading her thoughts I remembered my husband’s prayer Wednesday morning. I kind of dismissed it because of my poor attitude, but heard it pretty clearly again this morning. “If Roz is supposed to be a blessing at this place, let it be as you want.” The light bulb went on and it was another AHA moment for me. I was so hung up on what I wanted to do, and how I was being affected, that I forgot to even ask “What do you want, Lord?”.

I went through a series of attitude adjustments -- tweaking the tude. First I had to stop grumbling and ask for forgiveness. I still had some grumble left so then I had to start thanking to counteract each ungrateful thought. Next, I had to put the trust factor back into motion and acknowledge once again that God is in control. Once I did all those things, I was finally at a place to ask God, “What do you want, Lord?”. It was only when I went through all these motions that I felt peace.

So what did I learn? I’ve learned that some times the princess needs to be dethroned because she needs to go through the exercise of tweaking the tude. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just part of life’s never-ending lessons. These types of lessons remind me how blessed I am, and how powerful attitude can be during any circumstance.

Tweaking of the tude...anyone?

Relationships: The Trust Factor

Amazing Trust

It amazes me when I think of how much Jesus trusted his disciples…yes all 12 of them. Think about it, he even depended on Judas to take care of the money bag. However, there were specific disciples that he expected more from than the others. It was Peter, James and John who were asked to go up to the mount during the transfiguration, and the same three who were asked to go pray with him during his time in Gethsemane.

However, we see even greater reliance when John is asked to care for the master’s mother. He was even entrusted with a vision that became the last book in the bible (the Revelation). Jesus understood that trust had different levels, and he made sure that he cultivated that confident dependency in each relationship.

The Investment
How did Jesus know which friendships would give him the best return? He took the time to invest a little bit of himself into each and every one of them. In doing so, he was able to feel and read the heart of his companions. The closer they were, the more he trusted. The more he trusted, the more he invested or poured himself into these individuals.

Risk & and Missed Opportunities

Jesus knew the risks of trusting and experienced deep hurt by the betrayal of Judas, the denial of Peter, and the abandonment of all of his most trusted friends. Yet because he loved them so much, he forgave them, and extended his trust once again after his resurrection.

Sometimes we miss the opportunity of building deep bonds because of past hurts. Some of us don’t believe that anyone can be trusted. Reality is that there are a lot of folks out there with good and Godly hearts with the potential of becoming cherished friends, if given the chance.

Level Determination

It took Jesus 3 ½ years of “constant” companionship to determine the level of trust that should be imparted to each of them. Although we don’t have the luxury of living with any of our friends (unless of course we marry one of them or become roomies), we do have the opportunity of forging new friendships and fostering existing ones.

Let’s face it…relationship without the trust factor doesn’t work. It only creates a false sense of security that ensures isolation. The importance of friendship is seen throughout the word. We need one another. We were created with the inclination to love.

What a wonderful thing relationship is and can be. Let’s set our hearts on building trust, the factor for growing great friendships.

To Live in Expectation

When we were younger, we looked forward to being with friends, play dates, winning games and family vacations. As we moved into the teen and young adult years, we looked forward to homecoming, prom, graduation, college and getting married. As the married years progressed, we got excited with the thought of starting a new family.

It is so easy to live in expectation when there’s a baby on the way. My family has been blessed with one new niece and nephew, but what has raised the level of excitement is that there’s one more baby due this year. During the pregnancies, it was easy to maintain the level of excitement because there was outward evidence of what was going on inwardly. It was easy to imagine or try to predict what side of the family the baby would look like. Although, of course, none of us truly knew, it was fun to think and talk about.

God expects us to live with that type of high expectation as a life style. He desires for us to welcome each day in expectancy. Often times, when we are in the middle of a tough situation, we focus on the problem. If we choose to, it can asphyxiate us. Our anxiety levels can control us and cause us to live in misery. When our source and our trust is not in God, it removes the chance for Him to work on our behalf and keeps us a prisoner of our circumstances.

Past failures also cause us to wade in unhappiness. For some reason, failures seem to loom over our heads and remind us how much we lack. It stops us from moving forward and keeps us trapped in the illusion of contentment. We go as far as to compare ourselves with others (grandpa was a small-time this…) and we identify and resign our fate to be within the same plight. We do not stretch ourselves although God expects us to live life to the fullest and at our best.

Unmet goals are also a source of discontentment. When we first start out towards a goal, we go after it with all that we’ve got. After a few days, weeks or months, we fizzle out if we do not see fast results or if things don’t turn out the way we want them to. We become complacent and find no need to try harder. If disappointment happens often enough, it can shift a person into existence. They no longer live. The events that excited them and the goals that stimulated them, become dreams of the past. They settle for the doldrums of routine and life becomes a clutter of things that have to get done without much thought.

Sounds depressing…who wants to live like that? None of us do, but a lot of us fall into some type of rut once in a while.

Why is it that we lose sight of what can be? Perhaps because it’s easier to live in lack and depressed. This may sound harsh, but change requires work and most of us don’t want to because everything around us has made life effortless. Can’t cook, don’t worry…you can go to a drive-thru and pick up dinner. Forget about snail mail…we’ve got email. Have to pay bills…online banking makes it a cinch. What’s sad is that all these progressive-technological changes has adjusted our attitude, and we have settled for less or nothing. We lose out on the most important part of our being, that of living out our purpose.

To live in expectation requires us to recognize who we are and why we are here. If you can’t answer those two questions with sincerity, you will live a frustrated life. It’s not enough to seek out after spirituality. There are many mediums today that encourage us to discover our spiritual side. All of them try to provide a path that will lead you to answer those two pressing questions, but most fall short because God has been taken out of the equation.

Why is it important to keep God in the equation?

When you have relationship with God, you reach the understanding that He is the one that deposits dreams into your heart. Not only does He deposit dreams, but He also provides the validation needed to move forward in fulfilling those dreams. When you understand that you have been validated before you were born; when you understand that you were purposely created; when you understand that your unique gift was designed specifically for you alone, it propels you to live in expectation. You can’t help it.

It’s not enough to know it. You have to take it to the next level and understand it. You may know that a car works because it takes you from one place to another, but you may not understand what’s inside the car that makes it work. The outward evidence of your lifestyle is based on your understanding of God’s word and promises inwardly.

Take a serious look at your life. Do you love waking up in the morning or do you dread it? You have a choice. You can continue to believe that life will not get better, or you can know that life gets better and better everyday. You can look forward to nothing or you can know that there’s a rainbow over each horizon. Proverbs says hope deferred makes the heart sick. Don’t waste another moment. Hope and Live.

Let Your Man Be a Man

I decided to do something a bit different in my last post and opened a discussion to women in Facebook entitled Ladies Let Your Man be a Man. The discussion began with the statement that many times we are guilty of not letting our man be a man. We hinder, ridicule, pester and nag them (to name a few things). Then we wonder why they don’t step up to the plate and BE A MAN when they need to.

Here is a summary of the discussion.

The Extremes

One of the biggest challenges is to find the middle ground. In the quest to do so, we often experience the extremes. Let me give you an example that one of the girls used. She let her man be a man by letting him do all the guy things guys like to do, but thought that he would know she needed help. The result was that he didn't help because she didn't ask. This would frustrate her to the point of volcanic eruption which in turn would make him shut down.

Here’s where some of us fall off the boat and I include myself. We experience one extreme and accept that it will be the norm and do not make the correct adjustments to bring balance to the relationship.

Expectations

When we first meet our significant other, we swear that they know all our wants and needs because basically they meet them all. The dating and first married months are a bliss but then reality roles in and the prince gains a few pounds, loses a few hairs, begins to belch and fart and well you get the picture.

We come to the conclusion that over the years, men in general should understand how we feel since they know that we are wired different. The problem with that is that it sets us up to have certain expectations that are never met. I am one of the ones who whole heartedly believed that until the day that I had a harsh reality check. Years into my marriage I realized my husband had no clue about my expectations. As a matter of fact he was way off even though just like one of the gals shared, I had spoken clearly over and over again about what I wanted. (Okay at least I felt that way.)

Communication

The problem in my case, and that of many others, is not that we lack words. What we lack is the finesse of delivery. We know how to speak our minds but do one or all of the following.

• We say something and get pissed off because we don’t get the right response because we were pissy when we said it.
• We shut up because we’re tired of repeating ourselves.
• We continue to shut up and don’t say anything until we get so pissed off that we just let it all out.

And so the vicious cycle continues where in our head we feel we’ve stated what’s on our mind and that’s our truth. But, we don’t realize the man has not heard a word because he has shut us down and out.

The Balance

Here is where I still struggle…yes I am admitting it. Just like any other woman, I can be sweet as pie but when the hormones fluctuate – ummmm I can be a bit crabby. If you don’t believe it ask the hubs!

Change is inevitable in the relationship. Life happens and what defines it along the way is our reactions. It’s easier to sweep things under the rug then to sit and discuss – not yell – discuss it as adults – not children. Everyone has the tendency to want to get their point across when they’re angry and feel they are right. However, when that happens the ears are not listening because the brain is plotting the next point to be delivered.

There is the need for constant balance in all areas but especially in communication. You can be speaking clearly but if the environment is often hostile, the message is not being delivered.

Work

The Relationship works when you continuously work on it. It’s not because you feel like it. It’s because you have to. Because if you don’t it will die.

One of the gals pointed out that often we forget or do not realize that to have a healthy relationship with another human being it takes a lot of work. There are hormones, outside influences, change, spirituality and many other things to factor in. With all these things to contend with, love doesn’t always sit in the forefront. Those who are seasoned often discover that the feeling isn’t always there. Here is where the cross road occurs that determines whether to quit or work on a relationship.

So what does all this has to do about Letting Your Man be a Man…everything! Let me explain.

We as women often asphyxiate on what our man doesn’t do but we do not pay attention to how we negatively contribute in the relationship. Men are not complex creatures. As a matter of fact they are pretty straight forward. If you tell them exactly what you want without belittling them, they usually respond in a positive manner.

If you treat your man like a king, in words and actions, and he’ll give you the world.

How do I know? I live it every day.